


Tragician

by sammiesuxks



Category: Death Spells (Band), My Chemical Romance, Pencey Prep, frnkiero andthe cellabration
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Consensual Sex, Drinking to Cope, Drunk Driving, F/M, Gay Sex, Gun Violence, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Kidnapping, M/M, Masturbation, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Stockholm Syndrome, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:21:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 27,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29699781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sammiesuxks/pseuds/sammiesuxks
Summary: Frank is back home after being kidnapped by his long term abuser, and is trying to navigate through his old life and relationships with his newfound problems stemming from the abuse. This story is about love, but a love in the wrong place and time. About fixing yourself to be a better person, to want to be a better person, for yourself and others.// I don't condone or romantisize any of what happens to Frank in this fic, but it will all be past references of abuse, and will not be that deeply written about. It's his account of the past, and navigating his feelings/problems because of the abuse. I wrote this with someone when I was younger and the story has always stuck with me so I've decided to write it from memory. Sooo I don't technically take all the credit when it comes to Gerard's character but I have changed him up abit anyway.If any of the abuse in this fic has or is happening to you I highly suggest speaking to loved ones or trained professionals to help you through this stuff, help is just a click away on your phones from your designated countries. please stay safe xo
Relationships: Bert McCracken/Gerard Way, Frank Iero/Gerard Way, Frank Iero/Original Female Character(s), Frank Iero/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 17





	1. Rememberance

The main thing I remember from it, was that I never really hated him. I couldn't. I used to get angry, frustrated, and say I would hate him, but I never really did back then. I've somehow learnt too after all these years, but it's still a hard thing to wrap my head around, since it started when I was so young, I didn't know any different. I guess I could've had it underlying inside me, building and boiling as I reached my teenage years, which slowly started out as knowing I couldn't ever speak of it, that it would ruin him, but wondering why it had to be me? Why it had to happen. No one else seemed to be going through it at school, not that I picked up on anyway, but then again, no one seemed to pick up on me either. Some teachers were worried, but they never pushed it too much, not like I wanted them too. I wanted to grab any teacher who asked if I was okay, stare up at them pleadingly, tell them I wasn't, that i was burning inside constantly, hated anyone touching me, tell them his name, say anything else other than, "I'm fine." But I never did.

  
I could deal with it before he took me, at least I had an escape. I could go to school, get away from it for a while, not sit there in my room where it had happened too many times to remember, not have the walls scream every memory at me as I sit there trying to do homework or practice guitar. My own house had become a Hell. I know you're thinking it was probably a parent, a relative, but it wasn't, I loved all my family with all my heart, sometimes they were all I had even though they couldn't begin to understand. It was a guy named Jeremy. He didn't look the type, It started when I was younger, around 8. Maybe before, he had always been there, I remember him being young when he first started babysitting me, he was probably around 16 when it started, but he had been babysitting me for as long as I could remember before anything happened. He was a family friend, he was the son of someone my dad knew, he was bright blue eyed, charming everyone around him with them, twirling his blond curls to get what he wanted. He was your standard kid next door, the one you probably would've never had the guts to talk too if he didn't to you first, because everyone loved him, he was popular, but not in a dickhead way, everyone wanted to be him or be with him, even when he was young, even though I was younger, watching from afar if I saw him outside, everyone always wanted to talk with him, have a minute of his time, everyone loved him. Including me for a while.  
I thought he was the coolest person I had ever met, I looked up to him growing up, even through everything he was doing to me, "it's what close friends do", "All the big boys do it", I wanted to be cool, I remember the tight feeling in my chest I had to please him, the flush of embarrassment I would get when I didn't understand something and he acted like I was so naive, which I was, granted.

I remember thinking he taught me so much about how to be a big kid, but then by the time I was 13, the rules changed. They always changed. suddenly it wasn't what all the big boys did, we had to hide, I couldn't tell anyone, It was a secret. I had to get a girlfriend so no one would assume, because no one liked when boys did that. We couldn't hang out as much outside in public anymore. He had to get a proper job, being 21 at that point. I missed him, more than I thought I could miss anyone. I felt lost without him, constantly begged my parents that he come round when they went out, even though I was far from old enough to be by myself home alone. Sometimes I would have to be, and I would find myself sobbing down the phone to him about it, begging him to come round myself, no one was home, no one would have to know. Imagine that. Begging your abuser to come round and just revel in the fact he had ummed and ahhed before giving in. That wasn't the worst thing I had begged him for either.

  
I know what you're thinking, this story is going to be constantly about him, but it's not. It's about someone else, someone better than him or me, I had known of him at that point I went to school with his younger brother, Mikey. We were the same age, and he was a cool dude in himself anyway, we weren't exactly close, because I wasn't close to anyone back then, but he was a good buddy. He always had good weed, we had a mutual dealer after a while of me actually having my own pocket money instead of relying on him, (or his older brother) to buy it for us. That's who this story is mainly about, his older brother. He's called Gerard, which I always thought was a fucking weird name, but it actually suited him pretty well, I had never and don't think I would ever meet someone else called that in my life. Not like Jeremy, that name was fucking everywhere, and I hated it.

  
I kind of had a more refreshing feeling back then when I would think of Gerard. I had hardly said a full sentence to him, just passing hellos, goodbyes, where's Mikey, is he in? Did he have any weed? Could I bum a cigarette? I thought of him in the same way as I had as a kid with Jeremy, given that he was older, he was cool. Granted he wasn't as much as a charmer to adults, to girls, to anyone, he kept to himself, but he liked that. He was just cool in my book, because it wasn't in the stereotypical way I was used too. He always had cool movies I had never heard of, had interesting books, comics, music blasting from the basement, you have no idea how many weird bands he got me and Mikey into from a young age. I should start off by saying Gerard was only 3 years older than us, it may seem huge to some people, but it was much closer than an 8 year difference that I was used to.

  
I had always thought he was pretty, because he was unconventional. Sometimes I thought of him instead when I was with my girlfriend at the ripe ages of 13 to 16. Me and him never did anything back then. He was too busy with his studies and his own friends his own age to notice me like that, not that I would’ve wanted him too now, even though I craved it back then like my next smoke.  
Amanda was my girlfriend back then, we had been friends for a while, she was a bit of a loose cannon, but I liked that about her, she was smart, but didn’t care about being smart, it was just natural. I hung with her hoping her intelligence would rub off onto me, all that did rub off was her habits, smoking and drinking anytime she could, I didn’t blame her, it was a good coping mechanism that I kept up for years, and I always remember what she said about coping mechanisms, that they were keeping you from doing worse, they were too cope, it wasn’t a bad thing, even if it was destructive in itself, it saved you from worse. I told my therapist about that, she said it was a good way to look at it.

  
Amanda wasn’t here when I got back, no one knew what happened to her, just that she moved away after I left. I didn’t blame her, I wouldn’t have wanted to deal with the pity looks either. I’m surprised my parents managed, I know the only reason they stayed was because they had hoped I would return myself, not carted back in a police car after being found down in Florida somewhere.  
It had been about a year since I had been back. I had joined my old band again, everyone was starting to forget about it, which I preferred, I hated being stared at, I hated the glances from adults who could remember, kids my own age who vaguely knew from gossiping amongst themselves, and people more Gerard’s age. I hadn’t left the house for a long time when I first got back. Hambone came to see me immediately, I had cried, he had held me for at least an hour. He asked if I wanted to talk about it, I didn’t. He said he missed me, and I him, and that was it. I was lucky to have friends like that. I knew I could go to him if I needed to, but after half my life of never being able to speak about it, too speaking about it non-stop to police, therapists and doctors, I didn’t want to talk about it ever again. Nor did my parents, which I was grateful for in the beginning, even though I would catch my Mom sending my pity glances when I was doing the most mundane shit. I had stopped bothering to go to therapy after a few months, it seemed unnecessary to keep bringing shit up I just wanted to forget. I didn’t want to remember the bad parts of my trip with Jeremy. It had gone well in the beginning, we could be together and I could do whatever I wanted, we drank, we smoked pot, we travelled around to places I had never been, which was everywhere given I had never left Jersey before. It was a great road trip, until it wasn’t.

  
I tried to think now, as I stared up at the 7/11 sign, remembering the numerous ones we had stopped on our trip, when it had begun to get bad. It must’ve been quick, because I was only gone 3 years. I think the first time I actually felt scared was when I had gotten out the truck myself the first time, I hadn’t even thought about it, I think I just really needed to piss or something, because normally I would’ve walked beside him, trained to his hip, but I didn’t that day, and I had paid for it pretty much immediately. I'm pretty sure that was my first black eye I had ever had in my life. It’s weird how much shit you can go through, how many times you can get used and beat, but still remember the first time you were actually hurt, and how much it had hurt. Not even physically, but emotionally. How much it hurts the soul when someone you thought loved you and you them, strikes you that first time. That had only been..( I counted on my fingers) 2 months into our trip? I threw my cigarette on the floor and stamped my old sneaker on it to put it out in annoyance, fucking 2 months. How much had I romanticised that first 2 months? It seemed like the best times from the trip had gone on for half the time I was gone altogether. But I guess that shows how much your brain shuts off to protect you.

  
I looked up when Hambone came out of the store, a frown on my face as I watched him hold a crate of Jeremy’s favourite beer, he didn’t know. No one knew all the little things I remembered.  
“You comin’?” He asked as he got in his car, I shrugged my shoulders and got in the passenger's side, huffing out a breath as I sat down, praying that every other little thing didn’t bring me back to Jeremy anymore, fat chance. I pulled down the sunshade of his shitty car, it had been the same one he had when I fucking left for godsake, older than both of us combined probably, and moved my hands up to smooth my hawk into its point, even though it hadn’t gone down. “You look fine, it’s a good look too, suits you more now.” Hambone had complimented as he began driving to the party, I huffed again but smiled a bit all the same, when I had come back my hair had been fried bleach blond and down to my shoulders. I had hated it, Jeremy had insisted on doing it, so we didn’t get caught, he said I looked too babyish with my dark brown hair, too recognisable. I remember asking Hambone to cut it when he first came to see me. He had gone to the store and got an orange dye for me, and it had made me feel invincible when he cut off all the dead hair and eventually let me look at myself after going 3 years avoiding my own body in reflections. I stared into my own eyes now, remembering the first time i had after our first big fight, It had broken me to look at myself, scrawny, weak, covered in blacks and blues and blood, I had hated it, and vowed not to look at myself again for as long as I could. Jeremy had come in after I made that vow, saying he liked the colours on my pale skin. I normally tanned quite well, but I hadn't been allowed out of the motels in the sun properly. I had hated how I looked, but I took the compliment to make him happy, and continued to take the beatings to look good in his eyes. Just keep him happy. That’s what I had repeated to myself more times than I care to remember. I pushed the sunshade back up, I didn’t want to look anymore.

  
This was my first time showing up to a party sober. I normally had to pre-drink or get high enough to not care when everyone turned to watch me walk in, they didn’t do that anymore. I vaguely remember fighting with anyone who looked at me, so now I guess no one dared too. I never fought before Jeremy, I didn’t even fight a lot when I was with him, well not towards the end, I tried in the beginning, but he was so much bigger than me, it was pretty pointless. These people were my age, and even though they were still bigger than me, given I stopped growing at age fucking 16 anyway, I could hold myself well in a fight, it freaked everyone out, but I guess that’s one good thing that came from Jeremy. It took a lot to beat me down now-a-days.  
When we pulled up and got out the car, the party was already going ahead, it was just a normal house party, some people glanced over, but immediately looked away after spotting me, It didn’t make me feel cool or intimidating, just more annoyed, so I pushed my way in to find the liquor and drown myself out.

  
It was a few hours and one fight in when I saw him again after so many years. I was definitely verging on drunk, but not blackout. I was sweaty from starting a fight in the pit of the living room where a band was playing, and definitely had blood dripping down my shirt. I never really had excuses for why I was fighting, it was normally on instinct if someone touched me and I didn’t like it. Or I could see them talking and glancing over to me, it boiled my blood to know people were talking about me. I had gone out for a joint with Hambone after he dragged me away, and had only come back in because I was thirsty, I had just picked up a random drink I found lying around when I looked up and saw him, Gerard Way. In the corner, holding his own drink, looking out of place, invisible to everyone else but me, it seemed. He had grown up abit, lost some of the puppy fat, I pushed closer through the crowd, there was a red hue of light that kept flashing across his face every so often from the party, it made him light up like a beacon, it made me spot the Planet Of The Apes shirt he was wearing that I had gotten him years ago for driving me and Mikey to a comic store up town as a thankyou. It made me smile properly for the first time in probably years.

  
“Gerard!” I called over the music as I pushed my way through the crowd to stand infront of him, swaying slightly, maybe from the booze, or maybe just from being in his presence. It took him a while to recognise me, a small polite frown on his face as he tried to look around for someone else who had his bizarre name, or for Mikey, maybe. “It’s Frank, I bought you that shirt” I reminded, pointing down to it, he glanced at my finger, then his shirt, then my face again, “Frankie?!” He exclaimed, a grin spreading across his face. He looked like he was going to wrap his arms around me for a hug, which I would have gladly accepted, but it seemed like he had second thoughts about touching me, which only meant one thing, that he was remembering what had happened to me. I didn't know how much he knew, not many people wanted the details, but I'm sure they were out there if you searched hard enough. It made me worried that no-one ever actually forgot, that they were pretending for my benefit. I didn’t like that feeling, so I found myself closing the distance between us myself and wrapping my arms around him, just to shut my head up for a minute, and breath him in, he smelled the same, it made me feel safe, I had always been safe when hanging out with him and Mikey, granted we barely spoke, he was just our driver most of the time, but he was there to watch out for us too, which it seemed no one else had done in my life besides him at that point.

  
He hugged me back immediately, he seemed to sense I needed it, because we stayed like it for a few minutes before I pulled back, grinning up at him dumbly. “I’m glad you’re okay” He said with a small worried frown, studying my face before smiling back at me and shaking his head, wiping some blood off from under my nose from the previous fight. “Hope you won.” He joked, I know he meant about the fight, no doubt he had heard from Mikey, or anyone else here. “I did.” I called over the music, but I wasn’t really talking about the fight, maybe he wasn’t either, on second thoughts.  
I dragged him out into the garden asking if I could bum a smoke like I did numerous times all those years ago, I had my own on me but I wanted something to talk about with him, he immediately obliged because that was the kind of person he was, “so what are you up to nowadays?” I found myself asking, “I hope you're still doing art, yours was so badass.” I slurred out to him around the cigarette that he was gratefully lighting for me, god knows I couldn’t myself at this point, “Yeah, yeah! Still doing art, Got into SVA, I’m like half on campus, half off? I prefer my room still too much.” He chuckled, I grinned lazily back, I remembered his room, I thought it was the coolest place ever, “SVA? That’s awesome dude, I bet you’re totally killing it over there!” I was genuinely happy for him, but it made me wonder where I would’ve been now if I had gotten to finish high school, I was on track for a scholarship, which I was going to use for Rutgers, I still could, but I didn’t really have the motivation and I hated that I was behind everyone now anyway.

We talked for a while about SVA, stuff around town that had happened whilst I was gone, I knew the ins and outs from Hambone, He updated me on Mikey, he was around somewhere, he always was at these things, Gerard said he had gotten quite popular, and I wondered if back in the day I had held him back from making all these new friends he had now, Gerard seemed to sense something along those lines, because he said Mikey missed me, always talked about me. “Hasn’t come to see me though.” I reminded him with a smirk and a shrug, downing more of my drink, Gerard sighed awkwardly, swinging his feet on the wall we were now perched on, “You know Mikey’s not good at talking about feelings and stuff? I think he’s worried he won’t know how to deal with you, or say something wrong.” I knew Gerard was trying to be the middle man, so I shrugged it off, “I don’t talk about it to anyone, I’m not gonna break down on him for asking how I’m doing, I’m not a pansy.” I mumbled defensively, “Nothing wrong with being a pansy, you’re allowed to be in touch with your feelings, sometimes I think he’s a robot because he isn’t.” Gerard smiled at me and nudged me, I caught myself on my free hand and chuckled, shaking my head. “I like the way you say stuff.” I said quietly as I glanced over to him before up at the sky, seeing the belt constellation I had always tried to find when I was in the back of Jeremy’s truck on long drives at night, It always reminded me when I went camping with my dad and he tried to teach me about them, that’s the only one I had remembered.

“I helped search you know.” I heard Gerard say after a while, I had long ago fallen back off the perched wall onto the grass below, my eyes trained on the sky as the high from before slowly started hitting me, the booze keeping me warm, it made me glance at him with an eyebrow raised, “Why? I figured everyone thought I just split, ran away?” Atleast thats what my parents had thought for a while before realising Jeremy had gone too. “Nah.. I mean, maybe? But I didn’t, nor Hambone, Mikey still had a curfew so I would go out with him alot, trying to find you.. You didn’t seem like the type to run off.. I knew you had a life plan of some sorts, I’ve listened alot over the years to you and Mikey.. It didn’t fit your plan.” He shrugged and blew out his own smoke of a cigarette I didn’t remember him lighting. “I even tracked Amanda down, see if she had heard from you, obviously she hadn’t though.” He shrugged. I was dumb-founded, I hadn’t thought anyone had tried looking for me all those years, Jeremy had told me no one would’ve cared. I always knew my parents did somewhat, but not anyone like this.

  
It didn’t help the band were now playing a shitty Tears For Fears cover of Head Over Heels. I didn’t need that spurring me on, but it definitely did. Over the months of being back, I had gotten more ballsy, I didn’t like anyone thinking I was scared of anything. I didn’t second guess things anymore, what was there to be scared of? Someone saying no, pushing me? Beating me up? I didn’t care anymore like I did when I was younger. So maybe that’s why I didn’t have a hint of regret when I leaned down over Gerard and brushed our lips together as a test before slotting them together almost desperately. My hands clinging to that stupid Planet Of The Apes shirt under his vintage denim jacket that needed a fucking wash.

  
He didn’t respond at first, maybe he was worried too, scared he would hurt me, but I didn’t want someone to be scared to touch me, not him, not right now. I got a gasp out of him when I ran my cold hand under his shirt to touch his soft skin, the gasp allowing me to press my tongue into his mouth, which he hummed in response at, tangling it with his own and threading his hands in my short hair.  
I don’t know how long we laid there tangled in eachothers arms, but my jaw was beginning to ache, as well as my cock, so I rolled off of him after what felt like an hour, huffing out a laugh, “Man.. that was the best.” I said before downing the rest of my stolen drink, Gerard seemed to nod in agreement, lighting up a new cigarette after we aimlessly discarded his old one. “It really was.” He said dreamily, I could feel his gaze on me as I licked the sugary remains off of my lips from the mixed drink, smirking over at him before Hambone stumbled over, holding out another baggy of weed, “Skin up for me Frankie Pankie!” He sing-songed as he collapsed next to us, Hambone couldn’t skin up for shit, god knows how he survived without me that long.


	2. Golden Sunset

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warnings for this chapter include: mentions of blood, fighting. nsfw consensual sex chapter. Also mentions of drug abuse, including Ketamine.

Writing had always helped me, whether it was lyrics or shitty poetry, it had been one thing that had gotten me through my life so far. My writing book had been the one of the things I had taken when we left, it had been one thing I had defended myself with whenever Jeremy wanted too look, he couldn’t look, not him, not that part of me. He couldn’t see my frustrations, my confusion, my anger, my sadness, my weakness. He had been allowed everything else, except that, and I had taken the brunt of the resentment he felt over that more times than I remembered. I had to resort to writing only when he was asleep, or out getting supplies, I couldn’t ever have it out in front of him, and it had to have a new hiding place wherever we ended up, It was the purest part of me left.

I had almost forgotten about it too. When I heard the sirens, Jeremy grabbed my arm, too hard for comfort, but my body used to that level of grip all the same, I had clocked it sticking out under the mattress, almost like it had crawled out hearing the noise outside, extending itself to me, don’t forget me. Don’t let me have been for nothing. It had been all I grabbed then, Jeremy had made a noise of annoyance before trying to shove me out the bathroom window of our shitty motel, it had been so dirty, I had resisted at first, and he had laid down a towel for me, it might seem odd to you, but Jeremy knew everything about me, he had practically raised me half himself aside from my parents, he knew I got sick easy, he knew I hated dirt, germs, anything like that, sometimes he had used it against me, get me to do things or behave, but then and there in that moment, he wanted to protect me, he had always said that was his aim.

And I had believed it, I still do. I don’t know what from, but it was clearly something that scared him. So I crawled out, fell on my back on the grass, winded myself a bit, death grip on the binder of my book as I watched him jump out so much more gracefully above me, he always did everything better than me, and looked good whilst doing it. It was in those moments I wondered what he saw in me, he was so out of my league. The sun immediately hit him well, even though he was covered in a sheen of sweat from the stress, sweating through his vest, it made me wet my own dry lips, after all I wouldn’t have put up with this for so long if I wasn't attracted to him. “Not now, Franco.” He had seen, I couldn’t hide anything from him, but it had made him smile maybe one last time.

It was the police car speeding past outside that had reminded me of it. It had made me jump at first, and drop to the floor like I had had to do so many times before if we ever heard one. But I was in my room, alone, and they weren’t there for me anymore. It made me feel fucking stupid, but it dropped me down infront of my old rucksack which I had taken everywhere with me, discarded immediately when I set foot back in my room after so long that evening when I was returned. I pushed myself back on my heels and stared at it for a while, Jeremy had let me buy a patch of every new place we had gone, and had let me spend evenings sewing them into the fabric of the rucksack. It used to be my school bag, but my Mom had bought me a new one on my return. 

I dragged it over to me, running my thumb across the Florida patch, the last one, the cleanest, the rest were grubby as fuck, maybe I could wash it. I pulled it open, grinning down at my book, it had sat there waiting for me silently, like it had learnt with me to do when we waited for Jeremy, I had always been a shy kid anyway, never really making noise or a fuss, I was a good kid before. Now-a-days, I was the loudest motherfucker you would hear at any opportunity. My parents had noticed the change, if I didn’t want to do something, I got annoyed, I was vocal, I said no, off the bat. I’m not doing shit I don’t want anymore. They had tried fighting back in the beginning, but boring parent shit, I’ll take this and that away, okay? Do it, I’ve had to live with a lot less. They always shut up if I said that. I didn’t want to say I used what happened against them alot, but I definitely did. It wasn’t thought about, I didn’t like upsetting them, I just got so angry all the time. 

Hambone had been beating around the bush about the band, given that I would come up with most of the lyrics, it’s not surprising they stopped playing when I left, and now I was back, I had said to him the first time he came to see me I wanted back in, call them up, I wanted our music back. It had been great going over the songs we had, and I know they were itching for new ones to possibly finish our album to give to Eyeball like we originally planned. So there I sat, flicking through the old book that had bits of sand, dried blood and god knows what else that made me feel sick, making the pages stick together, before I came across some lyrics, they could work.. So could they. I dropped it back in my rucksack and slung it over my shoulder, even though the new one my Mom had gotten was fresh, a new slate, this was much comfier, and it made me feel safer, I would wash it when I was back though.. Maybe. 

If there was one thing I didn’t understand from being away, It was cell phones. I knew they existed before, I wasn’t a dumbass, but now they were everywhere. They were just bricks for godsake, you couldn’t do a whole lot on them but text and call, and it costed a fucking buttload, I didn’t see the point of them, but looking back, I guess I could’ve used one to get found much quicker. Okay, maybe they were alright. Either way, I didn’t have one. So I grabbed my skateboard and headed over to Hambones, I could’ve called before I left, I guess that was the common courtesy now, but I didn’t like doing that either, I would just go and see if he was in, if not, I’ll look somewhere else, it was fun hunting down friends, maybe it was just because I was used to people not knowing where I was all the time, it made me feel anxious if everyone could find me when they wanted. Maybe that’s why I had declined when my Mom tried to press a cellphone into my hand she had bought me. “I wanna know where you are, Frankie. I want you safe.” What's the point? The worst has happened, I didn’t need it. I knew the signs now, they acted like I was a fragile naive kid, but I would know the signs more than anyone. 

He wasn’t in, by the way. It was a warm day, I was thinking maybe he was at the skatepark, did he have a job? Maybe he was there? I couldn’t remember. What a lousy friend I was. I glanced up at the empty blue sky, knowing I wouldn’t see anything up there, but itching for a joint now I was looking. A joint. I patted myself down, nope. I huffed and looked up at the sky again, remembering the stars after my mind blowing kiss with Gerard. Ding-ding. Gerard would always be in. I took off down the street to a few blocks over, I’m pretty sure I remembered him saying he was sticking around for a while, had a break from college or something, and he definitely wouldn’t be caught outside in the sun, it would ruin his aesthetic too much. That made me chuckle, he was the complete opposite of Jeremy. Anytime the sun was out, he was by the gross motel pools, telling me to stay inside. Sometimes I could come out, but I didn’t ever wanna get in the water anyway, It would’ve just meant a hospital visit. Me and Mikey had always joked we could only go out on gloomy days if we wanted Gerard to drive us anywhere, because that motherfucker hated the sun as much as I hated the bugs that came out with it. I was just across the street from his place when I slowed to a stop from someone calling my name, the were a few steps down from me on the sidewalk, just a group of kids from school, I gave them a nod before realising the girls with these two guys were giggling because they called my name, girls were weird. “I’m surprised you’re allowed out on your own! Aren’t you worried someone will come shove you in their van?” I could hear the mock in their voice, the girls laughing more, obviously they were a bit bigger than me, but that didn’t put me off anymore. I kicked my skateboard up to hold it as they walked over, “Think they prefer fresh meat actually.” I snapped back, glancing at the girls, they had to be younger than me surely, not by much. “I’m surprised you haven’t carted these pre-teens off in one actually.” That got a stir as I smirked, before a fist collided with my nose.

All in all I think my nose was holding up pretty well. It was a good level for people taller than me to swing at and hit constantly, and I had yet to break it. I wasn’t on the floor yet, which meant it wasn’t that much of a hit anyway, what losers. “Is that all you got?” I chuckled as I spat blood out onto the sidewalk, lifting up my skateboard and smacking the tallest across the head with it, it snapped, who cares? He fell down, and I scrambled on top of him, grabbing the spare bit of board and pressing the edge down into his throat. The girls were screaming and running, it wasn't funny now, clearly. The other guy who was with him was immediately pleading, “we were just joking around, Frankie, get off, it’s not worth it.” Jokes on him, it was always worth it. See that pleading look in peoples eyes when they couldn’t talk, I would always just stare back at them, I couldn’t even really hear the other guy anymore, just the blood rushing around in my head, surrounding any outside noise, creating its own white noise almost, I loved that noise. 

It wasn’t until I was hauled off of him that I realised I was probably going too far, given that he was coughing up blood, bright red face, breathing raggedly. His friend had pulled me off when he realised I wasn’t responding to words, he hit me across the jaw as I laid on the warm grass, kicking my ribs to make me stay down as he ran over to his friend, saying I was a fucking psycho. Some people had come outside to see the commotion, they could call the cops if they wanted, they wouldn’t do anything after seeing my file anyway. They loved me down there. 

I could’ve got up, run off, but I was enjoying the sun here, he picked a nice patch to throw me down onto. I moved my hand up to poke at my throbbing jaw, hissing abit and smirking to myself, I don’t know why it was so easy to get in fights, I had been a kid that avoided my bullies at school before, running from class to class before they could find me, my biggest worry back then wasn’t even getting beat up, it was that they would see marks on me that wasn’t from them, and tell someone. How weird is that? I prodded my jaw some more, humming slightly, feeling like it was more from comfort than discomfort, sure, it meant I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for a few weeks, but it felt nice.  
It’s obvious how much I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings again, because I hadn’t heard the familiar voice calling my name until he was blocking my view of the sky like I had done to him the other night, a worrying frown on his baby-smooth features as he checked me over before hauling me up, Gerard. “Are you okay?” Seems it was the start of all our conversations, I nodded, shrugged, he picked up my rucksack and broken board, telling the guy who was pulling up his own friend, who definitely looked worse than me, to get a fucking life since I clearly had enough going on. Which made me roll my eyes, I didn’t have jackshit going on, that’s why it was fun. I spat some more blood out as I glared at the neighbours all looking at me, I hated being looked at. I started off across the street to Gerard’s house, him on my heels asking what happened, telling me the obvious, I was bleeding, my board was broken, “I know, Gee, I was there.” I mumbled as I walked through his open basement door and collapsed on his ancient couch. 

He stood awkwardly for a moment before placing my stuff next to me, fluttering off to get an ice pack. “Anytime I see you you’re covered in blood.” He tried to joke, I chuckled and sat up, “I prefer myself that way I guess, it’s comforting.” I said as I looked around, pretty much the same as before I left. I saw some duct-tape under the small table and grabbed my board, starting to tape it up as best as I could before I hissed at the coldness pressing onto my jaw, I snapped my eyes up to Gerard as I leaned away, seeing it was an ice pack and shaking my head, “nah dude, don’t need ‘em, can I just had a soda or something, maybe some weed too? That’s why I was around, wasn’t stalking.” he made a noise of complaint but went off to his fridge, what a parent. I chuckled to myself, focusing on fixing my board, mourning it slightly, Jeremy had gotten it for me for my 15th birthday, I thought it was the coolest thing ever next to my guitar. 

“Does Hambone have a job?” I asked when he eventually sat down beside me, joint and soda on the table, skateboard discarded on the floor, “Yeah yeah, he’s err, down the movie theatre I think, he’s manager.” I snorted at that, lighting up the joint, “Hambone?” I reminded, “Hambone is managing people? Youths?” Gerard let out this adorable squawking giggle and nodded, “yeah man! Weird right? He’s like a grown up.” I hadn’t thought of it like that. Hambone was Gerard’s age, 22, he had always looked older though, he had been buying us beers for as long as I could remember, but now he was doing it legally. “Shit yeah, he is.. You are.” I added, taking a drag and leaning back against the cushion, “still hiding out from the sun huh? Nice of you to grace your presence out there to pick my ass up,” I winked, which made him blush and shrug, “I’m just as nosey as everyone else round here, came to see what was happening, realised it was you on that guy. 

“I didn’t wanna get involved until he started kicking you.” I shrugged my shoulders, “I deserved it” I concluded, Gerard frowned at that and leaned over with a tissue, wiping the blood off from my face, “I don’t think you deserved any of it.” He said quietly, and I knew he meant more than just the guys from today. “Don’t Gee.” I sighed quietly, glancing over to him and realising he was opening his mouth to say more sappy shit, I couldn’t take it. I shook my head, leaning forward and pressing our lips together again, it seemed to be the only way to stop him talking about that stuff, I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He complied easily, now that we had gotten the first kiss out the way. 

It wasn’t that sex was on my mind alot recently, I mean, I was still a 19 year old, I craved to be touch, it just had to be on my terms. And it seemed natural with Gerard how this was going to go, even though he was older than me, he was the more innocent here. I’m sure he had had a fair bit of action the time I was away, but I knew it couldn’t have been much, not from how needy he was about every single touch I gave him, it was adorable. I had only ever topped with Amanda, which seems pretty obvious that's how it had to go. I wasn’t that into it all the times we slept together, I mean, my mind was pretty occupied. Even though Jeremy had told me to go find a girlfriend, I still felt weird sleeping with two people, I mean I was 13 for godsake, I didn’t know how to be sly about it. Amanda knew something, from the bruises or the hickies, how couldn’t she notice? I had tried keeping my shirt on a lot when we first started, but she said it was weird, I wasn’t exactly fat, so what was I hiding.

She had paused the first time we slept together without my shirt on, she had wanted to talk, I hadn’t, not back then and not now. “I just bruise easily, it’s kids at school, you know what they’re like.” I knew she didn’t buy a fucking ounce of it, she had seen what they do to me, it hadn’t been that bad in the grand scheme of things. 

Jeremy had never let me top, and I had never really wanted too, it had never crossed my mind, because that's how we did things, and even though we had a lot of rules, I knew this rule wasn’t going to come in the way with Gerard. I doubt it would even get spoken about, he hadn’t pushed me off when I had laid him down on the couch, the way his legs wrapped around my waist and dragged me down weren’t exactly emulating dominant behaviour, and it was fucking hot. 

The whimpering, the grinding, I didn’t think Amanda had ever been that vocal when we were together, mostly because we were high out of our minds or drunk as shit, but Gerard wasn’t either of those things, he hadn’t touched the joint, I had smoked that myself. And Jeremy, well. Maybe not right now. 

I had never really looked at anyone closely when fucking, with Amanda it was a fumbling mess, just get it in, lets see what happens. With Jeremy, I tried to keep my eyes closed alot, but it was a rule to look at him, but I often found myself looking through him, I wasn’t really present, not like this. Not leaning down to lick the beads of sweat off of Gerard’s now free collarbone, not feeling myself throb over the pink of his wet lips when he was biting down as my fingers slid inside of him, the way the setting sun caught his hazel eyes and made them shine golden as they linked with my own, his pupils blown, my pale skin flushing pink like a fucking high schooler, it made me ache. 

“You’re so fucking pretty.” I breathed out, making the dust particles in the sunbeam dance about from me disturbing the thick air by speaking, he groaned in response and blushed more, which just made me drag our lips together again desperately as he tugged off my shirt, I resisted abit at first before shrugging to myself and breaking our kiss briefly to tug it off my head and across the room, I didn’t care at this point, he knew me, he knew vaguely what had happened, he wanted it off and I did too, it was the middle of summer for godsake, I was in a basement. 

Given that I hadn’t put myself in anyone in about 3 years, I was pretty eager. Gerard didn’t seem to mind, I think he had been fooling around by himself at some point because he didn’t need alot of prep, he did lean down to rummage in his jeans for a condom though, I stared at it for a moment, I knew what safe sex was, don’t get me wrong, I completed that part of high school. “Why don’t you put it on me?” I smirked at him, trying to play it cool, like it was somehow gonna be hot for either of us. I mean it might’ve been. He kind of gave me a look, like he understood I didn’t know what the fuck to do with that, since I had never used one. I hadn’t needed too, I had never seen Jeremy put one on, and since I started dating Amanda at 13, before fucking sex ed even started, I hadn’t fucking known, and she didn’t give a fuck, just aslong as I pulled out beforehand. 

I frowned a little to myself as he did what I asked, I hadn’t experienced the tightness before, and as Gerard’s fingers rolled it down me, it made me let out a soft moan that I hadn’t expected, it made me run my hands through his dark hair, “wow, awesome.” He muttered to him as he glanced up at me from my moan, he smirked back and chuckled before pulling me back down on top of him, “I know, I don’t know why some guys hate them, I think they feel awesome going on.” He murmured in my ear before guiding me in himself with his own hand because his legs tightened and dragged me, I got the jist, sliding myself in slowly and hissing in pleasure in sync with him, “Oh fuckk..” I dragged out, stilling for a moment to compose myself, not even for Gerard’s benefit but it probably helped.

I hadn’t expected it to be so tight, It was totally different from Amanda, that was slippery, still tight, but not like this, not as snug and warm as this. Gerard’s legs tightened more, trying to drag me again, I let out a shaky breath before continuing, Jesus, I had almost blown my load just from that. I grabbed one of this thighs and hiked it up over my shoulder, which made me slide deeper and emitted moans from both of us once more, “come on, come on.” he begged beneath me in a whimper, brushing his lips along my bruising jaw, which only made me twitch inside him and him moan again. It fucking powered me on though, to start moving us together, to make his eyes flutter shut and his head drop back against the arm of the couch I remember falling asleep on after watching too many horrors with him and Mikey. I gripped the arm beside his head to give myself more leverage as I rested my forehead against his own, our breaths merging together as one.

It was a pretty quick fuck. Given that I was almost done on the first fucking thrust, I knew I didn’t have long, I voiced that to Gerard, he didn’t care, he hadn’t been fucked in a while, he was close anyway, just keep going, he said, don’t stop. I didn’t plan on it. I picked up speed, trying to sink in as deep as I could whenever I was flush against him. I had to slide my hand up and push his hair off of his face, it had begun sticking in sweat and was blocking my view of his fantastic features I was making appear across his face, he looked fucking angelic like this, if I had any artistic skill, he would’ve been all I would paint from now on, just like this. 

I clocked when he started gripping himself, moving his hand frantically, I pushed it away, I wanted to do it, I had never really done that before for someone. I wrapped my hand around him, giving him a soft squeeze before I started pumping him in time with my own thrusts, it made him pick his head up, our foreheads still together as he moved himself down to meet my thrusts, that felt fucking insanely good. I could see him doing this fucking innocent smirk at me like he knew, he did fucking know. Of course he did. It made me smirk back, using my free hand to drag him closer, grind him harder against me when we did meet, “ah fuck, right there.” He whined out, I nodded quickly before crashing our lips together again, speeding up all my movements before I felt him tighten around me, oh. Oh. I pushed myself in harder, which he seemed to enjoy given that it only made him louder before I could feel the wetness on my stomach from him, feeling him slowly beginning to relax in my arms, dropping back on the couch and running his hands up my torso to my jaw, tilting his head gently before he slowly dragged his thumb over my throbbing bruise again, he fucking knew, the bastard. I dropped my jaw in shock and pleasure, he smirked back at me, slipping his thumb into my mouth and wetting my lips with it, “Come on Frankie.” He whispered out, man, he crippled me. Literally. I buried my face in his shoulder, groaning out in pleasure just from his fucking words, and spilling my load inside the condom buried deep in him.

I had gotten up pretty much immediately. A slow dread setting in the pit of my stomach before working its way up to my throat, I needed to vomit, but it seemed fucking rude given the circumstances, so I swallowed it down, rolling the condom off the way Gerard had rolled it on and tossing it into the trash, tugging my clothes back on. I hadn't looked at him enough. "I'm sorry." I said immediately, it made him sit up in worry, "oh god Frankie fuck." he mumbled, tugging on his own clothes, "shit I should've known you weren't ready, I'm sorry that's so inconsiderate of me." he practically whined, rushing over to me and running his hand along my cheek, I shook my head, "no no it wasn't that. It's not, the sex I just." I huffed and ran my hands through my short hair. 

I squeezed my eyes shut, I wasn't welling up or anything, well, maybe internally out or reflex, my breathing getting more shaky and fast, "fuck, Gerard I'm sorry I should've looked at you more, please don't be mad." I stumbled out, I couldn't believe I had been so stupid. It was the first fucking rule. Look at him. Completely and utterly, if I wasn't, what I was I thinking about, who was I thinking about? "I swear I was just thinking about you, like it wasn't him." but why wasn't it him? Why wasn't I thinking about Jeremy? We hadn't even broken up, so I had practically cheated. 

"I gotta go." I blurted out, slinging my bag over my shoulder and kicking my busted skateboard up, throwing open his door and hearing him sigh, I glanced over my shoulder at him, quickly rushing back and pressing our lips together once more, "Stop stop stop." he mumbled, clinging to my neck to keep me still for a moment as my eyes darted around nervously, "You don't have to do anything during sex, there are no rules normally, Frankie. I know you've been through some shit, but that was the best lay I've had in years, there are no faults to what you did, please believe me." he whispered against my lips. I breathed in his scent to try and calm myself, that didn't make sense to me. I nodded, before slowly shaking my head, "I gotta." I whispered, if I didn't leave now, I didn't know what I would do. 

He tried calling me back as I ran out, as I skated down the block, swaying abit on my broken board at first before getting the hang of the new way it was gliding. I didn't even know where to go, I didn't want to go home, I didn't like it there, I didn't need Jeremy in the walls staring at me, watching my every move, I couldn't fucking breathe anywhere. 

I found myself pounding on my dealers door a few blocks away, he immediately opened and glanced around before tugging me inside, "jesus Frankie you can't be that fucking loud." he muttered as he sat back on his couch, bagging up different sizes of weed. "I need something." I said as I began rummaging in my pockets for cash, and then shifting to check my bag instead. "the usual?" he said, already sliding my normal order across the table, but I slid it back, shaking my head, "I need something stronger." 

He had stared at me for a moment, hissing in response and shaking his head, "I don't know man, you've been through some shit, you're still a kid." I groaned and tossed my bag aside, "reasons I fucking need more man, come on you don't fucking understand. No one fucking understands. I just wanna stop thinking for fucking once." I huffed out as I dropped on the couch next to him, scratching my head out of nervous instinct, I could feel his eyes on me. I hated it. I didn't say anything though, I needed him of all people on my side. 

Eventually he handed me a joint, I frowned over at him and shook my head, "dude no I need stronger-" "it is. Its not weed, it's K." he interrupted and shoved it in my hand with a lighter, I didn't know much about Ketamine, I didn't know much about anything really, I hadn't had the chance to get the knowledge, but if he thought it was a good enough move, I believed him. I had known him forever, he was Gerard and Hambones friend, he was safe. 

It was definitely a different toke, but I soon settled into it, trying to occupy myself by watching him bag up as I made my way through the smoke, already feeling the effects of relief wash over me, untighten my chest, letting me sink back into the couch, had it always been that comfortable? 

The world seemed to move abit slower like this, I couldn't really talk anymore, but I didn't care. I didn't even know how long it had been, I had watched him walk around his apartment, other people had come in, had laughed at me, but I hadn't been angry, it seemed like they were sympathising, they got it. I vaguely remember them ruffling my hair, a girl sat in my lap, kissed my cheek, she seemed pretty. But in a slow blur they were gone again, it had gotten dark outside, I didn't know where Matt the dealer was anymore, not that I cared, I think this was the most relaxed I had ever been in my life. 

I had imagined Jeremy there, it must've been my mind, right? no way he was there. He had chuckled at me fondly aswell, sat across from me, "I remember your first joint, you looked just the same as you do now, I always loved when you were calm." I could hear him echoing around me, I grumbled a bit, shaking my head, I didn't wanna do this. So I surrendered myself to the darkness, letting my eyes fall shut.


	3. Not so disposable

It had been a few days since first getting on K, I had woken alone at Matt’s, left money on the table, and taken more as I left for home, it was about 5 in the morning I was guessing, I had snuck in, got an ear full from my parents about worrying them, they almost called the police, I told them not to be so dramatic before I hid myself in my room, that had been 2 days ago, I hadn’t been out my room much, only to piss and eat, and even then it wasn’t alot. I had moved my whole room around, I hated that Mom had left it exactly the same, why would I want it the same?

That had taken up a good chunk of one day, I had thrown alot of stuff out from my childhood, I had kept everything Jeremy had ever got me though, why would I throw that? They were gifts, he had spent money, time and effort buying each one. I had quietly cried over a few items, my first CD he had gotten me, Green Day. It had changed my life. I had found pictures of us together too, from when we were younger, and I stuck them beside my bed. I had spent the second day smoking my new go to, and that had kept me busy all day.

I was slowing coming out of it, this was the longest it had been lasting. I glanced over to the pictures of us together on the wall, running my finger across his face. Pictures. Another lightbulb moment, we had taken pictures on our trip, he had gotten me a disposable camera, two to be exact. 

I rolled out of bed, I had taken a shower after my room clear out and I didn’t feel dirty, so I skipped the shower, tugging on a hoodie, jeans and my sneakers, he had also bought me those on our trip, they were the only ones I wore now. I grabbed my bag and my beat up board, rushing downstairs and grabbing money off of the counter before heading outside. Jesus, it was bright out. I tugged up my hood and rubbed my eyes, starting to head to the mall.

I passed by Gerard’s house to get there, and I stopped to look over at it for a minute, it gave me a chance to light up a smoke, I couldn’t tell if he was in or not, I guessed he should be, he didn’t venture out alot, but I wasn’t going to go over there just yet, Jeremy came first.

I hadn’t been to a mall in a long time. Jeremy had never allowed it on our trips, too many people, too many risks. It was making my chest feel tight being inside, was it a weekend? Why were there so many people? I slid my board behind my back to rest safely on my rucksack straps as I began walking around, all the shops had changed, people still used cameras right? Right. I saw a kiosk not too far. 

I handed over the cameras and the cash, thanking him and nodding when he said it would be a wait, I knew the routine. I sighed and looked around, I didn’t have much money left, things seemed to cost more now-a-days, I guess inflation was in full swing. I went into a store, glancing around and looking at the sunglasses, trying on a few before shoving a pair in my pocket and looking around more, I could buy a slushie to not look too suspicious. I smirked and grabbed one of those small bottles of vodka, slipping that in my pocket too, that was a joy of wearing clothes that were too fucking baggy. I walked over to the counter and poured my slushie, passing him the money and beaming my winning smile at him. Adults liked when I smiled properly, it always won them over. I wasn’t as charming as Jeremy, but I could get what I wanted. 

I sat by the fountain and poured some vodka into the slushie, mixing it up before sipping some, I think I had my walkman in my bag, I could try and tune out all the kids around me making too much noise, I was never that loud as a kid, I didn’t get it then and I still didn’t now, I didn’t like people noticing me, even though I was louder now, I wasn’t shouting down a phone, laughing too loud, Jeremy said my laugh was annoying anyway, why would I wanna bother anyone with that?

“Frankie? Holy shit.” I glanced up over my slushie to see Mikey with some chick he had clearly just picked up, because he said he would call her later as he walked over to me, “long time no see, Mikeyway.” I coughed abit, brainfreeze. “Yeah.. Sorry about that, I just, didn’t really know how to drop by without it being a big deal? I didn’t wanna overwhelm you, but then Gerard said I should stop being a dick.” I smirked a little, of course he did. 

I nodded beside me to tell him to sit, he asked what I was doing here alone. “Ah ya know, thinking about what place to hold at gunpoint.” I shrugged, glancing over at him and smirking again, “dude I’m joking, who would give me a gun, come on.” I chuckled and shook my head as he scoffed and nudged me. “Can’t say shit like that, I dunno where your mind is at.” He picked up my slushie and sniffed it, rolling it eyes before sipping some himself, “Me neither, let me know if you find it rolling around. Nah I’m waiting for my pictures to develop from my trip.” I nodded to the kiosk, he followed my eyes and nodded, “Oh cool where did you.. Oh you mean.. Why do you call it a trip?” He had always been smart, I shrugged my shoulders, “because it was? It just wasn’t that fun anymore I guess.” 

He hummed in disapproval and pulled my hood down, grinning at my hair, “I like your new look, I saw you on the news when you were found, the blond was weird.” He joked, I shrugged, “wasn’t my idea, I was just trying to fit in with people in Florida.” I chuckled, he made another noise and cleared his throat, “So you’ve been seeing Gerard?” I nodded and shrugged, “I guess? I don’t know, I’ve always liked him I guess, just ya know, it’s casual right now.” He nodded and adjusted his glasses, “he’s sensitive though, you remember that right? Like.. he thinks hes fucked up, I dunno what happened, but maybe just let him know you’re alright? He didn’t wanna push boundaries coming over himself.” I sighed and gave a nod, “Yeah I guess I owe him that.”

We had talked for atleast 2 hours by then, catching up on Mikey’s life, he was working at Barnes and Noble, I had thought that was pretty cool, he asked if I wanted a job, I shrugged, I didn’t know what I wanted to do right now. He eventually had to go for his shift, but said he would call me later. I finished my slushie, stood up and swayed abit, hadn’t expected that to hit so hard. It felt good though. I collected my pictures and skated out of the mall, deciding to go to the skatepark to mine and Jeremy’s tree, it had better fucking still be there.

There were some younger kids on it, hanging off the branches, sitting underneath, I walked over and shook my head, “fuck off before I shove those branches up your asses.” I mumbled out, they all ran off, pretty sure I heard one cry, I rolled my eyes, I didn’t even cry that much at that age.

I slung myself down under our initials carved in the tree and opened up the packets, smiling sadly, the beginning ones were a lot in the truck, the first few days together freely, I looked happy, we looked happy together and It made my chest ache, what had I done? Why had I gone in that trash can to pick up the newspaper Jeremy never let me read? Why had I given the guy filling our truck with gas that same newspaper that had my face on it? The large printed MISSING underneath my face, I had watched the blood drain out of that guys tanned complexion before I went back over to wait for Jeremy by the toilets, I was so stupid and ungrateful. 

I put the pictures back in my bag, sipping some of the leftover vodka from the bottle I had as I squeezed my eyes shut, what the fuck had made me do it? I could’ve just behaved, actually done as I was told, the rules were fucking simple enough, I could’ve made him happy. And now I was alone, back in a place I had nothing going for me. I could’ve been with him, we could’ve been travelling wherever we wanted, It could’ve gone back to how it was the first few months, If only I had tried to be more reasonable, but I was always difficult. 

I picked up my shit and started walking home again, I just wanted to smoke in peace, chill the fuck out and go to sleep, I hated listening to my pathetic brain go on and on about the same shit. I thought of Gerard, I could go and see him, but what was the point really? We had hooked up, yeah I liked him, I liked him a fucking lot, he was the only thing that made me happy, but it would be selfish of me to cling onto him for that when he deserved better.

I pushed open my front door and frowned over at my parents down the hall opposite me at the kitchen table, ah, a famous table talk, it had been awhile since one of those. I huffed and dropped my stuff, walking through to them and taking my designated seat with a sigh and a shrug, "what?" I started, resting my head on my hand as I watched my parents look between eachother. "Frankie, there's a lady coming round tomorrow, Mrs Sanchez?" I shrugged and tilted my head, ah. Sanchez. "my lawyer." I said, wondering why my mom was beating around her title. "Yes, your lawyer.. we.. well. They want you to testify, honey." she finished quickly, glancing at my dad before back at me. 

Testify. That must mean they had him in custody, right? I hadn't watched much TV. I hadn't even saw them catch him. We had tried to run together, out the window, I remembered that. I remembered his smile. He had pulled me up off the grass, and we had ran, he was holding me. No, he was holding my hand. I remember feeling safe when he held my hand. He was alot faster than me, he had been on the track team when he was in school, he loved running, I wasn't so hot at it, but he had tried to keep me up with him, begging me. "Come on Franco, we gotta run baby, we'll make it we'll be okay, they'll get you if you don't keep up." he had pleaded with me, I had tried so hard to keep up too. 

I rubbed my hands over my face, he couldn't have still been in Florida, because it started in Jersey, it was that jurisdiction's crime, surely? Which meant he was close. Why couldn't I remember anything before being pushed in the police car? 

"No." I found myself blurting out, the silence that followed was nothing like I had experienced before. I could almost see the blood boiling in my dad's face. "I don't want to press charges, tell her not to come." I shrugged and stood up before they could start anything else up, they were too dumbfounded to stop me so far. I didn't really know where to go, but I knew I couldn't stay in that house, they would wanna talk, change my mind, but I had other shit on my mind. Mainly where Jeremy was, why I couldn't remember what had happened. I needed somewhere with Internet. I glanced at the clock by the door and groaned, it was around 6, I was sure any cafes or libraries with Internet were closed by now. I stole some money from my dad's wallet before heading out again and back to my dealers, he wasn't exactly a friend, so he wouldn't ask questions too much, surely. 

I knocked the door before testing the handle and let myself in immediately, "hey man, I need to use your computer quick, I also need some more K." I called out, I remembered seeing it whilst zoned out on the couch the other day, and I started heading too it, it sounded like he was in the kitchen anyway, so I started typing in Jeremy's name in the search bar."Hey Frankie." I heard, knew immediately before I even swivelled round to reveal Gerard and Mikey staring over at me from the kitchen door. I swallowed as I locked eyes with Gerard, giving a small wave, "hey.. what are you guys doing here?" I asked, Mikey rose an eyebrow, "you are aware we introduced you to Matt right? We're picking up weed for this party down the street." he answered, "Why're you on ket?" he asked in the next breath. I frowned immediately and tried to ignore the sad puppy look on Gerards face, "none of your fucking business." I said defensively before turning back to the computer and clicking the first link, it had his mugshot, he still looked fucking hot in a mugshot, that was unreal. 

I had heard Mikey sigh before going back to talking to Matt, I could feel Gerards eyes burning into the back of my head, I hated being looked at. So I huffed and spun back around to him, he seemed shocked at my sudden movement, trying to act like he was looking elsewhere. "stop staring at me. I had a good time the other night, you didn't do anything wrong. You're just the first person I've been with since him and I felt weird." I muttered out before turning back, skimming over the words, I didn't want Gerard being weird with me, he was the only one who never had been."I'm coming to the party with you, just gimme a minute." I said to him, I knew he was still there. I heard him start to walk over, "what're you doing?" he asked curiously, peering over my shoulder. 

It made me twitch abit being that close, we had been closer but this was in a different way, but he had already told me he was nosey, so what did I expect? "My folks want me to testify, I didn't know he was caught, I'm just trying to figure out where he is." I said more quietly now he was practically breathing down my neck, not in an intimidating way though, I felt him sigh against my ear, it tickled. "Why does it matter where he is? He's away from you, that's the main thing." I rolled my eyes to myself, shrugging my shoulders, I didn't want to discuss it with people who didn't understand, but I scribbled the address down of the holding centre he was at and shoved it in my pocket, closing down the computer. Gerard frowned as he watched me, I could almost see his mind struggling to understand, I guess our minds worked differently now though. 

We headed to the party in silence after I bought more gear in front of them, there was nothing to hide now they knew, not that i had been hiding it. "I dunno Frankie," Mikey started out of nowhere, causing me to groan, I was skating alongside them, holding Gerards belt loop to drag me along at their speed, "Why ketamine? I mean, you're a pot head that's your thing." I sighed and let go of Gerards belt loop to link his hand instead, it pulling me abit closer, "because I wanted to fucking relax and when you do as much pot as I do, sometimes it just doesn't cut it. I didn't wanna think. It's all I do." I responded, Gerards hands were soft against my calloused fingers, I ran my thumb over his knuckles and caught him smiling, definitely artist fingers, delicate. I wanted them in my mouth again. 

"And what are you two now?" he got out with a smirk, causing me to actually make eye contact with a shrug. "I told you before at the mall." I mumbled as I felt Gerards eyes on me, "we've only just started hanging out, man, you need to lay off. Who's that chick you were with yesterday? are you getting married?" I smirked as Gerard let out that classic laugh, Mikey ducked behind me and pushed me further ahead on my board, my hand leaving Gerards, I stuck up my finger back at him. 

We walked into the party, Mikey greeting everyone and me and Gerard lingering back whilst rolling our eyes, "drink?" I asked him, he nodded, I knew he was anxious at parties even though Mikey dragged him along, and I knew he hated pushing in crowds, so I set off for the both of us, I didn't care who I pushed. 

I had to stand on a chair to find him again, pathetic. Corner, should've known. I got down carefully as I held our drinks, someone grabbing my shoulder and making me frown, turning around quickly, "Frankie! Hambone said you were back! Are you still interested in Eyeball?" I remembered this guy now I thought about it, he worked for them. I immediately stopped frowning and nodded, "yeah! yeah I mean, if you'll have us. We're gonna get enough material for an album pretty soon, I think I have your card somewhere." he grinned back and patted my shoulder again, "excellent! yes, give me a call when you're all set up and we'll bring you guys in for a session." he gave me a thumbs up and I said thanks before he cleared off, continuing to Gerard, atleast that was one thing I had going on, Hambone was gonna be pleased that they were still interested. 

The party was usual, I hung out with Gerard for most of it, which was proving to be quite amusing. He got more handsy when drunk, which was fine with me because it was him. He had pushed me in a closet to suck me off pretty early on, which had been fucking awesome, given it was my first blowjob. We were just stumbling outside, I had been talking to him about Eyeball, about how excited I was about it, I looked around for my bag and realised I left behind, so I stepped back in to get it, rummaging in it as I hear shouting, someone shouting, "Why the fuck were you asking my girl to undress for you at the last party?!" I hadn't assumed anything of it, fights were always happening out of jealousy, it wasn't until I heard Gerards feeble voice, "it wasn't like that! I'm an art student!" That I turned around with a frown, only to see a fist colliding with Gerards face, it made me drop my bag completely, even though it was my prized possession, even though pictures of Jeremy were now on the floor. 

I had pretty much ran out there and tackled the guy to the floor just before he had tried to start kicking Gerard who had gone down from one punch, I didn't think he was weak, he just hadn't been hit before probably, given the whimpering he was doing as I flew past him. People were starting to gather round us now as we threw punches, more me than him, maybe only me, I couldn't really tell, I was too angry to pay attention. I just kept replaying Gerard getting hit, he was too innocent to get hit like that.

There was alot of noise around us, I couldn't tell what, I was just seeing red, red on my hands, on his face, anytime I blinked, Gerard was probably bleeding too, the thought made me practically growl as I gripped the guys hair and started slamming his head back against the patio, I had only managed it twice before I was getting pulled off, why did I always, get pulled off? I clearly wasn't fucking done. I thrashed against whoever it was, trying to get closer to him again, "I'm not fucking done with him! He doesn't get to fucking do that!" I shouted, my eyes glued to the guy who was staring at me in shock, holding his head. 

Then I saw Gerard in front of me, Mikey beside him, Gerard had a napkin against his nose, was stroking my cheek," jesus Frankie its okay, I'm okay, come on you gotta calm down for me" he begged. Mikey pushed the strangers holding me back off and held me himself, steering me round the corner of the house, the guy out of my line of sight before I could begin to calm, my eyes immediately on Gerard, shrugging Mikey off me and forcing the napkin down so I could see him properly, examining him closely as I panted, "you're okay? are you sure? You didn't deserve that, I should've been closer, I just needed.. my bag.." I glanced around, back over the where the fight had been, no bag. "my bag, mikey.." I said as I turned to him, he nodded in understanding, he immediately went off looking for it as I continued to hold Gerards face.

"no one should be touching you except me." I said quietly, frowning as I continued checking his features, he rose an eyebrow and chuckled seemingly awkward, "well.. no one should touch me like that full stop." he had mumbled back, which confused me a little before I spotted a little bit more blood dripping down onto his lip, I had leaned over without second thoughts, licking it up naturally before pressing our lips together fully. 

I heard Mikey clearing his throat after a few minutes, and immediately looked up to him holding my bag, I sighed in relief and took it for him, rummaging inside and grabbing the pictures, starting to flick through them all with a frown on my face, the happy one was missing, there was a few others I skimmed but didn't settle on, mainly because I looked sadder, had bruises, I glanced up at Mikey, he seemed uncomfortable, he had had to pick them all up. "why have you been carrying some of those around, they're sick." he mumbled with a frown, and I scoffed back at him, "are you serious? You didn't have to fucking look at them, they're my property." I said as I dropped them back in my bag and zipped it shut, "I wish I hadn't, it's not normal Frank, what he did too you, taking pictures of it? How you're acting?" I rose my eyebrows and glanced to Gerard before back at him,"acting? what, defending your brother from getting his ass kicked? No one gets to touch him, only me." Mikey frowned more at that and stepped closer to Gerard as he shook his head, "dude, that's fucked up to say. You need to go back to therapy, everyone knows you stopped, you clearly need it. Come on, Gee, let's go." he said more quietly, I frowned and looked over to Gerard . 

Luckily, he shook his head and came to my side, "Mike's I'm older, I can do what I want, Frank was just looking out for me, sure he went abit far but it stopped before anything happened." he said before leaning over to Mikey again, "you don't understand anything about what he's been through, and nor do I, but that isn't a reason to desert him." I think he thought I might not hear, but I did. It made my chest abit tight, but in a good way. 

We had left pretty soon after, given that we heard sirens down the street, we had scrambled over the gate, I had to push Gerard up and over, he was giggling too much. I jumped down and linked his hand, dragging him off into the night, I didn't even know why we were laughing so much, maybe we were still abit drunk. Mikey had walked off after speaking with Gerard, but at this moment he could get fucking caught, he had turned into a jack ass since I had been gone. 

We had managed to stumble back to Gerard's place, falling in the basement with our hands running over eachother desperately, before we had collapsed on his bed and I found myself buried deep in him for the second time that week. 

This was the first time I had passed out there since I was a kid, and I forgot how safe it had felt, from trusting enough to know no one was going to sneak in, cover my mouth, and make me sob into a pillow for the rest of the night. To know I didn't need to panic about hogging the blankets and getting beaten awake from my selfishness. It was the first time I had fully sleep through the night without any drugs to help. 

I grumbled at the beam of light through Gerards small window shining on my face, I nuzzled my head in the pillows to get away from it before hearing Gerard make a noise of disapproval. I frowned and turned my head back, opening one eye to try and find him since I couldn't feel him in the bed, he was sitting in a chair out of my reach, that's why. Sketchbook in hand, I groaned and pulled the pillow over my face, "you're not drawing me are you?" I asked before pulling the pillow off and grabbing his cigarettes from the side and lighting up, "I have a portrait project due, not my fault you have such interesting features." he carried on sketching, so I laid back the way I had been to help him out abit, blowing out smoke. 

"I didn't know you did stuff other than comics." I half questioned, turning my hand over to check my knuckles, they were bruised to shit and still covered in blood, I wondered what it would feel like to press my cigarette against them, maybe I would try that later. " I have to do all different kinds of Art for my course, then for final projects I can choose what to do myself, it's just so I can explore different mediums I guess, find out other stuff I might like." I nodded along and hummed, "I'm sorry I ran off before, I know I explained already, but I guess I sometimes forget other people are as sensitive as I used to be, like err before." I waved my hand abit to get my point across, Gerard smiled a little and shrugged, "I understand, it must be weird being back and suddenly having to deal with others when you haven't for so long." I smiled weakly, glad he atleast understood in a way.

"I don't think Mikey likes me anymore." I said quietly, tapping the ash off my cigarette into the tray on his cluttered nightstand, "He's just.. worried. Everyone's worried, Frankie.. shouldn't those pictures be taken as evidence?" Gerard asked quietly and I sighed, "I don't.. wanna press charges. My parents can't wrap their heads around it, that's why I stayed here last night, well, that and other reasons" I smirked, he rolled his eyes playfully, "they just want justice, they probably feel guilty and want to make sure he can't do anything like it again to you.. or anyone else." I frowned at that and sat up abit, "why would he need someone else?" I said as I took another drag, he grimaced, shifting about in his chair, clearly starting to get uncomfortable. 

"Because uh.. you're grown up.. now?" he said cautiously and I scoffed, dropping back on the pillow, "I was grown up when we left-", "you were a minor." he interrupted. I frowned at him before continuing. "And I was 18 when I fucked up and ratted him out. We would've kept travelling around together even past 18, Gee. It wasn't about age, he's not a pervert." I grumbled, it was his turn to scoff and he slowly shook his head in disbelief. "I think maybe you do need to go back to therapy.. that's not.. accurate at all." he sighed and ruffled his hair, flipping closed his book and getting up. "also I dunno what Mikey saw from those pictures, but I'm guessing some could be classed as child pornography.. you shouldn't keep them in your bag." he grumbled as he packed his art stuff away and I grimaced at that, glancing over to my bag. 

I finished my cigarette and rubbed my eyes, slipping back down into the bed more and pulling the blankets over me, sighing gently and picking at my knuckles. A few minutes passed before Gerard slid in behind me, which made me tense up as he spooned me, "please don't." I whispered pleadingly, he kissed at my neck, "I wont, I promise. I just want to hold you for a while." he whispered back and I nodded gently, waiting a few minutes. He didn't move anymore, I still had my boxers on, and I could feel his star wars pyjama pants against my thighs, still clothed, it made me relax back into him, realising I hadn't actually been held like this before without anything happening. We laid in a comfortable silence for about 20 minutes. 

I had just begun dozing back off to sleep when he spoke, "I'm sorry about what I said, I'm just trying to understand." he whispered, I nodded gently, he was an intelligent guy, I knew he was trying his best. "I guess I'm also just.. jealous? I don't have any right to be, I know that, and I'm not jealous about your.. relationship. Just about your.. feelings towards him I guess. Does that sound weird?" he asked quietly, I shook my head. "you always have that guys girlfriend who you wanted to draw." I whispered back jokingly and felt him huff out a laugh on my neck. "oh yeah, can't forget my backup."


	4. Fantastic bastard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou to everyone reading along! It makes me so happy people are invested! xo
> 
> triggers for this chapter are: mentions of cocaine use, mentions of self harm, mentions of previous gun use, underage drink driving.

Gerard had kept me occupied a lot, I hadn’t thought about Jeremy as much as I previously had, I hadn't been doing as many drugs, I felt a tiny bit better. Which is why it crushed me all the more when he had to go back to campus for a week. I couldn't drive yet, otherwise I would've taken him myself to have more time together. We had parted ways at his house Sunday evening so he could make his morning class, and I had spent the rest of the night sulking about it. 

The past few weeks had been going better, we were closer, we liked drinking together in the evenings, just us, and then we would go out at the weekends. I still didn't talk about stuff with him, I didn't want to taint my image. Which was the first time I had even cared about my image, come to think of it. He had told me to think about therapy, think about the trial, I had avoided the conversation as much as I could, but maybe I could give therapy a go whilst he was away to occupy myself, I still couldn't remember what happened before the police car, maybe someone would help me with that. 

That had been a week ago, I still hadn't gone. I had spent more time with my band, practicing our new material, going to as many parties as we could to make contacts, I tried not to fight at them, Hambone wanted me on best behaviour, but it hadn't been going that smoothly, it went even less smoothly when some people from Eyeball asked if I wanted some cocaine, I had wanted to impress them and said yes, it had been a good night, but I had found myself relying on it to get through parties, so that I was less angry and pent up, I wanted to be on my best behaviour, and I was more fun this way. 

The nights alone were the worst, I had taken to just staying at Gerards a lot, he would hold me if I had nightmares, stay up with me telling me it was okay even though I hardly spoke back. But he wasn't there to help now, so I tried staying awake as long as I could, only when I did eventually pass out, It was like I was waking up in a motel right off the bat. And when I was there, it made me wonder if the life I had been having with Gerard, was a dream itself. It was like living a double life, and I hated every moment of it, it was exhausting. 

I had resorted to harming myself upon waking, just to make sure this was the real world, given that I could feel myself getting hit in my dreams, at the time they had felt too real, it was only when I was stumbling to the bathroom to clean myself up I would notice I didn't have any bruises or injuries from anyone else, except myself, I missed his handprints on me. 

It was raining outside, so I was stuck in, writing and plucking my guitar, when I heard a knock at my door. I sighed and told them to come in, I knew it would just be my mom or dad, I should cut them some slack, but I hated talking in any capacity, especially small talk after being abused for so long, my mom was a prime gossiper, I knew she wanted to know details, but I was also her son, so she didn't want them, or just didn't know how to go about it. My dad didn't want to know full stop. 

"Paco, there's some soup for lunch downstairs.. Ma wants you to join us." Normally I didn't let him in my room, I would normally pull myself up, talk to him at the door, so I was watching his eyes scan the unfamiliar surroundings, before landing on the photos stuck on my wall by my bed, he shook his head and came in the room, "Dad.." I warned quietly, watching his movements, he ripped down the photos and I jumped up, dropping my guitar as I rushed over and tried to take them out of his hands, "Dad, get off they're mine!" I huffed, he frowned down at me, I was still shorter than him, taking my Mom's height, He shook his head, "Paco, this isn't healthy, you're making this more difficult than it needs to be for yourself!" I scoffed and rose my eyebrows, "not the first time I've been told that in my life." 

It only made him more annoyed when I did that, tried to use the abuse against him, I knew he felt guilty and frustrated, which correlated the next action. I didn't ever think I would be stronger than my dad, I mean, he was a heavy set guy, he had muscle, he was bigger, so I don't know why I was trying to tug photos out of his larger hands, I should've seen it coming, the tugging, the ripping, It was like the pictures were hooked up to my amp instead of the guitar, because the noise tore through me, surrounded my ears completely as my eyes widened and my Dad stumbled back from the tear, it releasing us from each other as silence landed like a fist to my stomach. 

I stared down at the half ripped picture in my hands, I had Jeremy, Dad had me, and I was at my tipping point. It came quick, but then given the following weeks, maybe it hadn't. Maybe it had been a slow burning build up of anger, because in that moment, I didn't even see my Dad. I saw me and Jeremy running, I saw the police man who tackled him, disconnecting our joint hands, much like we were ripped apart from this picture together now. I saw myself tackling him off of Jeremy, even though he could fight for himself, saw the first time I was actually hurting someone instead of being hurt, felt the fear and anger I had on that day, but instead of me holding a gun to a cop, and shooting with no experience, it was me pulling back my fist and it colliding with my Dad's nose. 

The shot had been deafening, much like the look in my Dad's eyes had been as he stared back at me in shock, granted, I never had enough strength to make him hit the deck, but he had stumbled. I had had the same ringing in my ear as I did now, but it had lasted much longer on that afternoon, everything had stopped. I had heard Jeremy call for me, but It felt far away, I was too focused on the blood seeping out of the cops leg, him screaming, everyone had stopped moving at the shot, until they were moving too fast for me to keep up. Cops running to help the guy off the floor, take him away to the ambulance that had been standing by, probably for me, but now for him.

I felt someone slam into me, grab my shoulders, try to drag me away, I would recognise his hands on me anywhere, the warm grasp he always seemed to have, the warmth to my naturally colder skin, that was now just chilling from the shock. “What did you do? Holy fuck, you are a fantastic bastard! Look at me, Franco, we gotta go!” He was shouting at me, but it wasn’t in anger, I had gotten to know each one of his shouts pretty well in our time together, but this one was new. As I finally found myself able to meet his gaze, I suddenly realised why I didn’t recognise him like this. 

He was scared.

The look in his eyes, how could I have made myself forget that? It was one so full of love, but also so full of fear. I hated seeing fear in his face. I didn’t think I would, I thought I would crave to see it, want him to fear me. But at that moment, with his hands cupping my cheeks, I moved my own up to cup his in response, watching a tear slip out his eye, his eyes were pretty like this, the bright blue brightening more, how did the colour get more vibrant? I slowly stroked my thumb over the tear to keep it safe with me. He had never cried in front of me before, not even close. And I felt an overwhelming sense of sorrow about having made that one drop leave his beautiful eye to seep into my grubby finger. “I’m sorry.” I had whispered to him, my voice croaking from my dry throat, I had always uttered these words to him, and they had never seemed to make a difference, but maybe I hadn’t meant them as much as I did in that instance.

He had kissed me then, I had watched other tears fall, taint his lips, and I got to taste their bitterness. I thought they would be sweet, coming from eyes that blue, but they were just as salty as anyone else’s. He hadn’t needed to say anything, I could read it in his eyes, in the way his soft lips had pressed as hard as they could against my dry ones, he loved me, no matter what. 

I hadn’t noticed I had still been holding the gun I stole from the cop in panic, but he snatched it from my free hand that hadn’t been collecting his tears, and took a step back to aim it at my forehead. The breath had left my body as I stared at him, I had thought that was it, maybe if he couldn’t have me, no one could. I would have been fine with that, I think a part of me wanted it, because I stepped closer. His lip trembled as I did, like he hadn’t been expecting me to act so willingly, but I would do anything he asked, I thought I had made that clear by now, but maybe I hadn’t. “I deserve it.” I had whispered out to him, and he had made a noise of frustration as he shook his head. 

He had ran then, and whilst our time together in that bubble seemed to make everything slower, the minute his eyes left mine, it was like being shocked back into the real world, the sounds of heavy boots running past me to hunt him down, I dropped on the floor, wondering how I had even been standing since my legs felt so much like jelly. I remembered watching him in the distance running, he was a good runner, I had used to watch him from the bleachers when he was still at school. I didn’t know where he was running to, we had been in the middle of nowhere, I thought if anyone had a good shot at escaping on foot, it would’ve been him. 

Someone had put a blanket on me, and muttered, "you're gonna be okay." Was I though? I remembered thinking. It sure didn't seem like it, especially now, as I stared over at my dad, the man I had looked up to all my life, looking back at me with pity and disapproval in his eyes. "Who are you?" he asked me quietly before leaving my room swiftly. It had been a phrase that made me open my window and lean out to empty the contents of my already weak stomach into the rain puddles below.

Who was I? 

I had gripped my short hair in hatred of myself, before I heard the familiar words he had called me when I shot the cop, “A fantastic bastard.’ It made me shed a small smile at the memory, because I definitely was.

I didn't see either of them for the rest of the night, I was too ashamed to even leave my room, what could I do? Apologise? Who would believe me? Who would accept that? At least now I could remember the sunny evening I had been blocking out. 

I hadn’t moved from where I slid down under my window, it still open and spraying some of the rain in to help cool me down, at first, now I was just trembling and quietly sobbing to myself as I heard Jeremy calling for me, the rain feeling like the blanket that was draped on my damp shoulders that afternoon. A woman had put the blanket on me, I’m not sure why, but it did feel oddly comforting on me as I had watched the man who had a part of my soul running away in the distance. I had just shook my head gently, it would never be okay.

I hadn’t known what made me grab my notebook and start writing, it wasn’t what I usually wrote, this was a letter. I scribbled all my frustrations, all my confusion, asking questions mainly, because I didn’t know who else to ask other than him. Why was I so angry? No, I knew that, I was guilty. I don’t know how many times I apologised in the letter. I told him what happened with my dad, he knew my dad, they had been friends. He would know my dad wouldn’t do anything to deserve it. He would know what a fucking asshole I had been, everyone else would brush it off, I know they would, so would my parents. Maybe that’s why I didn’t go downstairs, because I didn’t want the pity, I didn’t want them telling me it was fine, I wanted the discipline I knew I deserved, and he knew I deserved it too.

If I really thought about it, that’s why I think I got in so many fights, I was trying to get punished, I was being spiteful on purpose, even though the anger was real, I had never had anger issues until now, it was like being taken over by someone else, go on, start a fight. You need a good beating. I had wrote it all down, apologising for it, because I knew the rules, only he could punish me, that’s how it had started, even though it was a game when we were kids, the so called “abusive” part, was just him punishing me, he had said my parents loved me too much to do it themselves, and even though he loved me too, it was a different kind, he was doing it to help me.

He was going to be so angry, I knew that, but he needed to know. Maybe he would have ideas for me. The one thing I left out of the letter was Gerard. He didn’t need to know about Gerard, just like he had never really known about Amanda. Sure, he had told me to get a girlfriend, and I did as I was told, but we never spoke about her, it was another rule, and I was still obeying it. Even though a part of me was just avoiding Gerard to keep him safe, I knew what Jeremy was capable of, and Gerard deserved none of it.

I grabbed the other picture stuck on my wall, luckily I had taken a few, I would get the other half back from dad, tape it up and keep it for myself, Jeremy deserved the better looking one. I folded it in the folded paper and put it in a letter, rummaging in my jeans and re-writing the address of where he was being held, I knew someone would have to read it before giving it to him, but there wasn’t anything really in there they could use for evidence or went against anything I thought they might keep from Jeremy, I hadn’t even used my name to sign it, only a small signed scribbled that just read three words,

From, your bastard xo

Besides Franco, that had been his other nickname for me, it might seem harsh, but it was my nickname for him too, it wasn’t malicious, he never used it in a malicious way. It had started when he first told me what that word meant. I think I had overheard him outside with his older friends say it, and I had questioned him that evening when he came round to babysit, “What’s a bastard?” It was innocent, and had made him laugh. But I was only around 6, so what did you expect? He had to teach me all the things he knew at the big age of 14. “A bastard.. Err, I suppose the actual definition is a kid born outside of marriage, were you there for your parents wedding?” I remembered thinking about it hard, trying to recount family pictures we had in a box, I had been there, but I didn’t remember. 

“Yeah, but don’t remember, was a baby.” I replied, he nodded in agreement, “me too, so we’re bastards, together. But big kids use it as a mean word, so don’t use it to anyone but me, okay?” I had nodded instantly, a bad word. That was exciting to know, my parents never used bad words around me. I couldn’t really explain it, it had just been one of those nicknames that appeared, I could only use it on him from a young age, so it was his name, as much as it was mine.

I slowly crept downstairs, hearing the tv on and the kitchen light off, meant they were in the living room together. I tip-toed to the kitchen in the dark, slowly sliding open the junk drawer and grabbing the stamps, slapping one on my letter, I didn’t write a return address, because then the cops might know who sent it, but he would know where to send it, he’d remember, at least I hope he did.

I slipped back upstairs silently and pulled on my hoodie with my leather jacket. Well, it had been Jeremy’s when he was younger, he had been one of those cool kids who always wore one even though it might’ve been the middle of summer. When he reached his 20s though, and started getting proper jobs, he had given it to me as a present. I had never had one until then, and by that point it was probably classed as vintage since he thrifted it anyway. It was still too big for me, but it made me feel safe, and if I buried my face in it long enough, I could smell him slightly. I tried not to wear it often, to keep the smell safe, but it was the only jacket I knew would keep me sheltered from the rain outside as I climbed out my window with my trusty board and rucksack. 

I slipped abit on the way down, but managed it without too much damage to the side of the house. I then began skating to the nearest post box, I prayed I wouldn’t get sick, because I did so easily, and it’s not as if my parents had said I wasn’t allowed out, I was just avoiding them. But if I were sick, my mom would just fawn over me like she did when I was younger, and the worst part is I would let her. 

I didn’t know why that thought made me anxious, I suppose it would annoy normal teenagers, but then again, I wasn’t exactly programmed normally now. Maybe it was being touched? But she was my mom, she had held me as I stumbled out of the police car into her arms, I had clung to her for dear life. Maybe it was just the thought of being that vulnerable again infront of her, or weak. My mom was a saint, so I don’t know why I believed Jeremy when he said that I was always stressing her out from getting sick and that she was fed up of me for it. 

I was feeling pretty shitty by the time I was done posting, and I didn't want to go home just yet. I glanced around where I was and tried to think of what was near, Hambones was down a few blocks, but he was probably at work, I didn't know his schedule, I really needed to get to grips with that aspect of him. I looked the other way, Hambones friend James had a bar that was abit closer, he had always been nice to me, we had always had a good time together, and I thought if I tried, we could actually be close. So I set off that way. 

Security was on the door so I went round back and pounded on the door, asking for James to come out. He grinned when he saw me, "wow little Frankie! Hambone said you were back in action, got the band together again." I grinned up at him, he was a tall guy but not intimidating, probably because I hadn't seen him hurt a fly ever. "yeah yeah! I thought we could hang out! Slide me inside?" I said as I clasped my hands together in a beg, giving him my best pleading eyes, he hummed and acted like he was thinking about because just shoving the door open and letting me rush in under his arm. 

Dewees was great fun. I don't know why we hadn't hung out sooner, he was by far one of the funniest people I had met. I wondered if Gerard knew him? He hadn't mentioned it, I had never seen them together when we were younger. I missed Gerard now that I thought about him, he should be with me drinking me under the table, he could always hold more than me, he said it was because I was short, I told him he was full of shit, and it stopped him getting drunk easily being that bunged up. 

I had been getting looks from people in the bar all night, probably because I definitely looked underage, and it was beginning to make me paranoid, so me and James parted on promises of meeting up again soon, the booze made me feel alot warmer even though my hair was drenched and had been making me shiver beforehand. 

I stumbled out the way I came in, clutching my board when I saw it in the car park, Jeremy's truck. Well it wasn't, I knew that. but it sure as hell looked like it. I knew everything about these types of cars, I knew it was too old to have a proper alarm, I knew I could use the metal from a mattress pressed up against the dumpster to slide down the window to unlock it. I knew how to hot wire it. Jeremy had taught me everything, we had fixed up his truck together numerous times before and during our trip, this truck was home to me. 

Maybe that's why I needed to get inside it so badly, needed to smell the seats, Jeremy had called it Brenda, I missed Brenda. She had been as much part of our trip as we had been to eachother, it made me mourn her, knowing she was probably at a junk yard down in Florida out of reach from me to save her. Maybe I could get there. 

I hadn't been in the drivers seat many times given I didn't have a licence, but Jeremy had given me plenty of lessons in Brenda, so I knew the way of this car enough. I fumbled a few times to get the hot wire to work though, knowing I was only struggling because I was drunk as fuck though. 

I knew you shouldn't drink drive, but I really didn't care, I guess you care less about things like this when you've stared down the barrel of a gun and wished for it to go off. Begged for it. I should've just turned it on myself, I don't know why I hadn't thought of that before, I wouldn't get close to another gun again anytime soon, my dad didn't own one, and I didn't know anyone who did. 

it was a juddery start, but it was a familiar sound that made me feel happy as I started driving out the car park, slow at first so I wasnt heard by the owner, wherever they were. But if was freeing, being able to drive, knowing I could travel wherever I wanted. Maybe I should just bail back to Florida myself, maybe I should stop by and pick up Gerard, he would like Florida, wouldn't he? Maybe not the sun, but I hadn't gone out in the sun much when I was there myself, we could be hermits together. 

That sounded like a good plan to me. I didn't think about anything in my room, I had Jeremy's jacket, his board he had given me, I had photographs still in my rucksack, I had everything I needed. Gerard had some money, and I knew he didn't care about money, the same way I didn't. We weren't materialistic people, just sentimental. 

I hadn't been driving long, it was only a 35 minute drive to SVA roughly, but I had completely forgotten about toll roads. "shit." I mumbled to myself, glancing around to try and find an off road, there wasn't any. It was a straight feed to the tolls, and I knew I was fucked. 

First off, I didn't have any fucking money to cross the toll, not that I was getting across this drunk. He shone a flashlight in my face and sighed, flipping a switch that shut off the lane, people honked behind me and it made me jump out my skin.   
They eventually moved to other lanes as the guy leaned over my window with a drained look on his face, "hey baby face. Show me your licence." I cleared my throat, luckily already blessed with a slightly deep voice, "I took the wrong exit, I don't have it on me, I was just going to visit a friend." 

He grimaced slightly and leaned back, talking to someone else before a police man walked over, I didn't know they his out at toll places too, great. "C'mon kid, out the car." he sighed as I slowly got out, pulling my hood down and ruffling my hair, "I swear I've just passed I just forgot it and took the wrong turn." I tried, they weren't having any of it. "you smell like shit." he halfway interrupted me and I frowned back at him before lowering my head. 

I had passed the walking in a line part, and I knew they hadn't been expecting it. But then they shoved a breathalyser in my face and I knew I was more screwed than before. 

I was definitely over the limit, and I think someone else had ran plates, because they knew the car was stolen. So I managed to beg them for my stuff inside the car before being cuffed and shoved in another police car for the second time of my life. I hated them, they were too clean, and that's coming from someone who hates germs, but you just knew how much vomit and piss had been in them previously. 

it was a short drive all in all, I technically was in New York, but it was just out of the tunnel, so not quite. I got taken in, booked, and put in holding, I didn't really care, but I knew my parents would. 

I didn't really listen when the guy spoke to me, I think he said I was getting off easy as I was underage in New York, and underage DUIs had more leeway, so there was just a fine. He also said he saw my file, and everyone thought I was probably going through something, they didn't know the half of it. Either way, the pity abused card worked again, fucking pathetic. I had asked to make a call about it, and he let me. 

Obviously, I had called the closest person I could, which happened to be Gerard. "Hello?" he grumbled down the phone, I could tell his wary voice, he hated random numbers calling him. "it's Frank.. I'm.. sorta in New York? I fucked up man." I groaned down the phone and explained what happened. I thought he would sigh at me, call me stupid, tell me to phone my parents, but he had just asked if I was okay, I told him I was, and then he said he was on his way, and that was the end of it. 

I hadn't needed to wait long, some person in the cell with me kept trying to talk to me, I think he was on drugs, but I didn't judge him for it, how could I when I had a growing stash at home? I smiled weakly as I saw Gerard walk in, sweatpants on with paint splattered up them, the paint was also on his forehead, and I thought it was adorable. 

He waved at me briefly before talking with the police, I looked away at that point, I didn't wanna watch him bail me out, he deserved better. 

"Dude m'sorry, just.. I found this truck and I.. I wanted to drive ya know? I wanted to come and get you so we could just drive, Gee." I had whined to him when we left the station, he had cupped my cheeks and smiled faintly. "youre wasted, bambino." he chuckled softly and walked me to his car, before driving us to SVA. 

He said his roommate was sleeping at his girlfriends dorm tonight, so he wouldn't care, I didn't even know he had a roommate, but I didn't care at that point. I had missed his warmth. I tried to slide my hands over his body, kissing and nipping along his neck, but he had sighed out a noise of pleasure before gently pulling away, "cmon Frankie, I know we haven't seen each other in a few days but talk to me" he said as he toed off his shoes, I huffed and did the same before collapsing onto his head, "I don't like talking." 

He tugged off my jacket, and I almost pulled it out of his hands on instinct, but it was Gerard, he didn't know. So I let him take it, take off my hoodie and damp shirt before pulling a soft jumper over my head, I hummed in delight." I take it since you don't like talking you haven't tried therapy." 

I sighed and flopped back on his bed, shaking my head, "Frank come on isnt that like court ordered? I don't get why but I mean, it was put in place for you for a reason, right?" I shrugged my shoulders, he didn't know anything about what had happened. "I did some, they got whatever they needed from it, so I left. I only did it to keep myself out of court." I mumbled. 

He frowned at that and sat beside me on the bed, "why would you have gone to court? like.. I know you need too, but it doesn't involve you, does it?" I shrugged. "my trial ended, I don't really remember it, I stopped therapy because they cleared me from getting any convictions." I yawned and twirled his hair in my hand, he looked confused, but I wouldn't explain it. 

"I don't lawfully have to do it anymore, so I stopped. There's nothing else too it, Gee. Listen, did you wanna travel with me? I only thought of it tonight but I thought it would be really cool, I'm something of an expert." I smirked and he sighed gently as he nuzzled my hand, "I'm sure you are.. but I have school, Frankie.." Oh yeah. I glanced around and sighed aswell. "I wish I had finished school, I was gonna go to Rutgers." he smiled softly and nodded. "I know.. I helped you look, remember? You asked what schools I thought were good for the subjects you liked. I said Rutgers and you had stuck too it." I chuckled softly and smiled over at him, "I wanted to actually do it and impress you, I guess." He kissed my forehead gently and smiled down at me the way I didn't think anyone ever had before, "you always impress me."


	5. My hate is all I have

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nsfw consensual sex chapter. triggers for this chapter include: mentions of vomiting, mentions of self-harm (burning), excessive masturbation.

I thought we had slept on a good note, but maybe it was just my drunkenness making light of the situation and avoiding the topics too much for Gerard’s liking, because the minute my eyes fluttered open, he was on me again, already awake with two coffees in hand, “I let you off last night because you were too wasted to hold a decent conversation, but what the fuck?” He started and I groaned, sitting up and rubbing my face, I felt like shit. From the hangover, but from also knowing I had had to ask Gerard to pay a fine to keep my ass out of jail, “Look I’m sorry, I was just, I had a fight with my dad so I didn’t wanna call up and ask him to bail me out of New York, okay? I’ll get the money for you, you know I will, I was just having a hard time and I needed to see you.” Gerard had sighed and put the coffees down on the nightstand, “Frankie we need to work this out.. You can come to me with whatever, don’t think you can’t, I wanna help as best as I can, and I know you only like talking to me, even though it’s a small amount, but I’m not.. I’m not trained for this Frankie, sure I can offer advice, but it might not always be the best thing for you, all I can really do is comfort you, which I love doing, but we’ve only just started seeing each other.” I frowned over at him, my chest tightening as I cleared my throat, “Oh.. I.. right.” I closed my mouth, that seemed to be the best thing to do, because what was happening didn’t make sense. He had asked me constantly about stuff, I was always pushing him off, so how was I the one coming off as clingy? He hadn’t said the word, but Jeremy had enough times for me to know the jist. “What happened with your dad?” He tried again, and I scoffed with an eyebrow raised. “Doesn’t matter.” I mumbled, starting to sip my coffee.

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, “I didn’t say you can’t talk to m-”, “I heard what you said.” I interrupted abruptly, I had heard different variations throughout my life, get off, stop following me like a lost dog, stop whining all the time, stop being such a crybaby, what makes you think I wanna hear about that? It hadn’t just been Jeremy, it had been friends too, I hadn’t had many, but that was a big reason why I didn’t know how they wanted me to interact with them. It felt like I didn’t know how to be a human correctly and everyone else did. He was about to try again, when the door swung open and a guy walked in, it was fucking early, so I guessed it was Gerard’s roommate, he looked similar to Jeremy in a way, and it threw me abit when I first saw the curly blond hair, my heart beat had picked up abit before he had faced me, boring brown eyes like my own. “Oh shit Gerard, sorry man I thought you would still be asleep or something.. Is this Frank?” He grinned and nodded to me on the bed like I wasn’t present, I rolled my eyes at Gerard and carried on sipping my coffee, “Yes, I’m Frank.” I mumbled, even though it warmed my chest to know Gerard had been talking about me.

He nodded over to me, “I’m Nick, nice to finally meet you.” I gave a slight nod, I couldn’t say the same, I knew nothing about him. And I was beginning to wonder why when he hugged Gerard and ruffled his hair, my made me tighten my hands on the hot mug, “Oooh did you just make coffee? He makes the best coffee.” He said to me as he poured his own, I held up my cup and nodded, “I know.” I said as I glanced over at Gerard, he was blushing. I hadn’t ever seen him blush aside from when I made it happen, and it made me huff as I tugged on my jeans under the duvet before standing up. I used to be more self conscious than I was now, but I also cared less now. I had cared when me and Gerard had first fucked, because I didn’t know how someone else would react, but he didn’t care, so neither did I. Sometimes he saw my marks from when I would harm myself, and he would sigh and clean them up, we never really spoke about it though, I liked that. I heard him tut quietly now and motion to my cigarette burn I had given myself that he hadn’t seen yet, I just shrugged at him, if he wanted someone flawless, he could have Nick. I wasn’t forcing him to be with me. I glanced over to Nick now and saw his eyes linger on me slightly before he went back to emptying his bag, and I tugged on my shirt. I frowned as I watched Nick move around, he was picking up Gerard’s clothes and putting them in the laundry basket with no fuss, even the underwear. It was weird. He picked up my hoodie and I leaned over, taking it out of his hands, “That’s mine.” I mumbled, he apologised and I shrugged before tugging it on, “Gee can I bum a ride back?” I said as I turned to him, he rose his eyebrows and put his cup down, “Oh fuck yeah! Sure, sorry, you know I’m slow in the mornings.” He grinned and I smiled back softly with a nod, it dropping when Nick butted in again, “Oh it’s true, he’s like a sloth.” He chuckled and I ruffled my hair before tugging on my jacket and grabbing my shit, “I’ll just meet you down by the car.” I said and he frowned with a nod as I walked out.

Why was that guy acting like I had just fucking met Gerard? It was so fucking patronizing that it made me punch a sign post in the street as I walked past it and hissed to myself, they were probably talking about me right now. I sat on the hood on his car whilst I waited, lifting the jacket up and taking deep inhales of Jeremy to calm the fuck down. Eventually, he decided to grace me with his presence, giving a wave before he unlocked the car, I walked over to him instead of getting in, “That took a while, what did he say about me?” I asked immediately and Gerard sighed, “he barely said anything, asked if you were okay because you know, it’s the middle of the week. I don’t gossip about you, Frank.” He replied and I scoffed, “seemed to know more about me than I do him, does he know what happened to me?” Gerard groaned and ran his hands through his hair, “Frank I think you forget you were in the fucking news for atleast a year? Your face was on most papers, people are bound to know about you. But yes, when we first roomed together I had told him about you, because I was upset about it, I always have been, and he’s my friend.”

I frowned and grabbed his chin to look over at me, pressing our bodies together as his back hit the door of the car, “He better just be that. I’m not really the sharing type.” I said quietly, considering our faces were inches apart, he blushed again, and I smirked, “You seem to blush a lot, are you just easily embarrassed or is it only when you’re attracted to them?” He stammered over his words and I shook my head, connecting our lips together hungrily, which he melted into as he clung to my jacket. After a few minutes of grinding against the side of the car in the darkness of the complex, I pulled away to open the backdoor and pointed for him to get in, which he did at lightning speed, I smirked down at him sprawled across the backseats and crawled in on top of him, luckily his car was old and pretty roomy, he had to bend his legs abit more than me, but that was working in my favour as I laid between them and shut the door behind us. He was immediately on me, tugging off my layers as I kept our hips rutting against each other, breath hot between the small space of our faces. I slid his shirt up abit, but I couldn’t be bothered getting it off and neither could he, he was too busy struggling with his jeans and separating them from his legs, I had to keep helping him, ducking between them as we giggled and eventually got them off, I undid my jeans and slid them down abit, It didn’t matter. “I don’t have a condom.” He whispered to me and I stroked his cheek, “I got tested in the hospital when I got back, I’m fine don’t worry.” I breathed out on his damp skin, he nodded as I slid my fingers into his mouth for him to lather up, he looked good when he did it, flushed cheeks hollowing around my fingers and making my cock twitch between us, and those eyes, they were so innocent, he was so innocent, but in a way like he knew he was turning you on.

After a quick prep which Gerard had begged me to keep short, saying he liked the stretch, I eventually lined up and slowly slid my way into him, punching the headrest above us as I groaned, because for the first time without a condom, the feeling was making my stomach turn already. “Oh fuck that feels so much better.” I whispered on to his cheek and he whined in agreement, “you like it? I bet you’re excited for me to cum inside you, show anyone else who gets in your pants that you’ve already been taken.” I whispered against his ear and he moaned in response, gripping my shoulders and digging his nails in, “Frank it’s.. Fuck, its only you I swear.” he whispered back before I thrusted in abit harder and caused him to cry out in pleasure. “Mmm, not sure if I believe you.” I smirked down at him and he smirked back, shaking his head at the game as he wet his lips, “that what this is about? You jealous of me being away for school?” He giggled and it made me drag him down to meet my thrust harshly again, which just made his head drop back, “Maybe, so what?” I said as I leaned down to nip at his neck, “you’re crazy.” He breathed out with a smile on his face, “Tell me something I don’t know.” I murmured on his skin before sucking on it harshly and gripping his hair as I moved us together quick and desperate, wanting to get as many moans pouring out his mouth and into my ear as I could before we had to part again. I had a thought in the back of my head about someone seeing us and calling the cops again, but it was late enough that everyone had cleared off to work already, it still made me quick though out of worry, I couldn’t go back to the same police station as last night, that was just embarrassing.

We were loud, but it didn’t matter, it had probably been one of our best fucks so far, I especially liked cumming inside him, he did too, he said he was gonna feel it all day, I would’ve got hard again if he spoke of it anymore than that. We got dressed again in a comfortable silence after sharing a cigarette before climbing into the front seats, Gerard started driving, and I leaned over to calm his hair back down since we had to pass tolls again, he had playfully smacked me away, “I hate flat hair, it's a good look don’t mess.” He grinned and I chuckled as I rolled my eyes, rolling down my window to get the condensation off of it. The roads were a bit busier now than last night, but the opposite way going into New York was packed full, “Jesus, is it always like that?” I asked, he nodded, “pretty much, that’s why I leave at night.” I nodded, it was smart. “Come in when we get back? I need to tell my parents and give you the money back.” Gerard grimaced, I knew he was awkward around adults, “Err.. I don’t wanna stand around whilst you get told off.” He mumbled and I grinned, “they barely tell me off anything it’s so annoying, but you can wait outside.” I chuckled and he grinned back at me. It wasn’t long before we were there, and I was kissing him again deeply before getting out of the car with my stuff and walking through the front door, “Paco! Where have you been this time?!” My mom started, already making a fuss and feeling my forehead, I gently shook her hand away and whined, “Ma, stop. I’m fine, I gotta talk to you though.” I said as I glanced around, my dad appearing at the kitchen doorway with his arms crossed, “Both of you. Listen, Gerard’s outside, he had to drive me back from New York. I er.. Sort of got wasted last night and stole a car and tried to go to him, but got stopped at tolls.” I started, my dad's head immediately in his hand with a sigh.

Ma was the most annoyed I had seen her in a while, and it made me feel more normal. “You could’ve gotten yourself killed, Frank! I know damn well we raised you better than this!” She said as she peeked out the curtains to see Gerard’s car, “that’s not all, I got taken and booked into a station, Gerard had to bail me out..” I finished slowly and glanced over to my dad, he was looking at me again, and shaking his head as he walked past me to the dresser, getting out his cheque book, “Go bring him in, and then he’s leaving, you can’t behave outside? You don’t go out.” He started as I watched him scribble Gerard’s name down. “I know you struggle to be in this house, and if it makes you feel better, we’re looking to move for your benefit.” I felt my stomach drop, if we moved, Jeremy wouldn’t know where I was, “Not far though, right? I don’t wanna leave Jersey, dad.” He shook his head and sighed, “No, not far. We have jobs you know.” My hands were clammy as I walked back outside, I couldn’t say I didn’t want to move, because I did, partially. I hated my room. Me and Jeremy didn’t have many good memories in my room. I linked eyes with Gerard and gave a nod to my house, signaling him to follow. He got out immediately and walked over to me with a frown, “all alright?” He asked, something must’ve been written on my face, I shrugged. “Grounded.. They want us to move as well, still in Jersey, but.” I shrugged and he kissed the top of my head, seeming to understand. “I get it, it’ll be weird, but I think it'd be really good for you.” He smiled, and I returned it weakly.

They had apologised to Gerard immediately when we walked in and he shook his head, waving them off, “I did dumb stuff too at his age, It’s alright, I’m just glad I could be there and that he was safe, you know?” He smiled, dazzling them instantly, what a charmer. My dad handed over the cheque, I knew he had added some more for the tolls here and back, and Gerard thanked him immediately, but he shook his head, “no, no. Thank you. For everything, you were very helpful when Frank went away, we appreciate you immensely, and we can tell you mean well, it’s refreshing.” He finished and I huffed quietly only to get a warning look from him. I hadn’t seen that in years, it made me smile, even though I was fed up with people talking about me like I wasn’t here. Gerard stayed for another coffee as my Mom had insisted and chatted with them for abit, updating them on his life now, It was weird. When I was around, obviously me and Gerard hadn’t been close, he had been more shy then, greeting them and always being polite, but they seemed to have gotten closer in my absence, It made me wonder how many times Gerard had been round my place when I wasn’t even here, it seemed like a lot. He had left soon after, saying he had a class to get too. I had walked him back to his car and kissed him for a while, “Call me tonight?” I asked, he nodded and smiled softly, “Alright, you should get a cell though, then I can text you during the day too.” He winked, I smiled and told him I would think about it.

By the time I had walked back in, Ma was waiting for me by the stairs and I smiled weakly at her, “I am sorry, Ma, just, the car was his truck.. I missed it.” I said quietly and she sighed, “Paco..” She started and glanced over her shoulder to my dad in the kitchen, “Look, I had an idea. Why don’t we shift you into the spare room until we find a new house? I don’t want you to struggle being here with us, we’ve been without you for too long.” I nodded gently, it didn’t seem like a bad idea actually. I walked up with her and we started moving some of my things into the small room beside mine, I didn’t mind that it was smaller, it felt safe. “Look, honey, I know you only went to therapy because it was agreed in court when that cop didn’t wanna press charges, thank god.” She mumbled and looked up at me as we met in the hallway, “But you need to go back. Nothing's gonna change if you don’t get the help you need, I know you’re confused, but they can help you not be confused, that’s what they’re there for. You’re 19 now, they won’t tell us anything, it’s confidential. It’s just someone outside the situation who could lay it out for you easier.”

I nodded along to what she said, chewing my nails and letting out a soft sigh, I knew she was right. I was in a rut, It felt like groundhog day, and with Gerard gone, there were no distractions anymore, everyone had grown up, they were working or in college, they had left me behind and I hated it, I felt like a trapped ghost watching everyone live their life around me. “Okay.. I guess.” It was a lot to think about, because I hated talking about that kind of stuff. I just wanted to remember the good times and move on.. A part from when I was having a breakdown, and then it felt like I needed to go back to him anyway I could. And by the time those two things had battled, I would find myself having not moved at all. Ma had left me too it after a while, saying she was getting lunch ready, my stomach had complained about food, but I thought today I could just try and be normal for them. I had managed to do it all quite quickly, boxing up stuff for the eventual move just so I had more room in the smaller one for the stuff I used daily. Luckily there was already a closet in there so I didn’t need to push my drawers through the small corridor. I had just finished putting up some posters I liked and putting the photo of Jeremy under my pillow so my parents wouldn’t get annoyed at me again before I was called downstairs.

I slowly smiled when I saw my favourite bagels on the table, I fucking loved these bagels, Ma got them from this old bakery in town, she had worked there as a kid and they were one of the best things I had ever put in my mouth. “Awesome.” I murmured as I sat down, glancing over at my dad across the table as I began eating, swallowing before I spoke to him, “I’m er.. Sorry, dad.. I know it doesn’t really change what I did, I just get so.. Angry and start remembering stuff and then like, I freak out I guess, it all happens so fast I don’t really process it.” I mumbled behind my bagel and he nodded gently, “It’s alright.. I was in the wrong too, that stuff is your property, I can’t force you to throw stuff away that’s been a big part of your life, you need to do it yourself in your own time when you’re ready.” I smiled weakly at him and nodded gently, I guess talking did help, there wasn’t that awkward silence as you stared at eachother praying the other would understand from a fucking look, even though me and Dad were quite good at that already. 

One thing I didn’t understand about my mind anymore, was the boiling point. It seemed to always be burning under my skin, until it overfilled and I would lash out, and then it would reset. I kind of knew people bottled shit up and exploded over mundane stuff, but it seemed mine was a lot quicker to erupt than anyone else's, and it was always a bigger explosion. I was writing that down in my notebook in my new room as I smoked some weed, It didn’t touch me the same anymore since I was on harder shit, so it was just another variation of smoking in general, but it was slightly calming, I suppose it was to delay the explosion just a little more. I was writing it down for therapy, I thought maybe since I hated speaking, but loved writing, I could just hand this over and they could ask me the questions without me speaking too much. That had been the first thing I wrote so they could understand. After that, it got me thinking about what I actually wanted to do with myself when I go my head abit more screwed on, I knew I wanted to do music, that was already in the bag with Eyeball, but with everyone else working, I couldn’t jam with them as much as I wanted, and I needed shit to occupy myself otherwise I was just going to think too much, I hated being alone with my thoughts for too long, it would just remind me when Jeremy would fuck off and leave me in motels, saying I had to be silent. I would sometimes have the tv on low, but that still didn’t help me stop overthinking. By the time he would be back I would practically be ripping my hair out telling him not to leave me again.

I thought maybe I could get a job, but I didn’t really have qualifications for it given I had dropped out. But I guess a little job like Mikey’s didn’t need much experience. I rolled off my bed and went downstairs to the phone, dialling Mikey’s landline and asking Mrs Way if he was in, he wasn’t. What a surprise. I asked for his cell number instead, she gave it to me and asked how I was, and for the first time I said. “A little better.” She said I should come round sometime for dinner and I said I would love too, then we parted and I dialled Mikey’s number instead, he immediately picked up with, “Frank? You okay?” I smiled slightly at that, even though me and Mikey argued, he would always be there for me if I needed him, and it made my chest feel a bit warmer at the thought that I did actually have people that cared, unlike what Jeremy had tried to drill into me. “Hey man, I, uh, just wanted you to know I’m starting therapy again..” I could almost hear him smile down the phone, “that’s great, Frankie.. I’m sorry I was a jackass before, It’s just with Gee.. ya know, it’s a bit more complicated. I don’t want him to get hurt.” I nodded gently and swirled the cord round my fingers, “Yeah I get that, I’ll try to take it more into account.. Listen, I was wondering if Barnes had any more jobs going? I gotta do something with my time since everyone else is otherwise I’ll find myself running back down to Florida.” I chuckled and he did too, “Why would you wanna do that? You’re a Jersey boy, you’d never go out it’s too warm for us down there.” I giggled and rolled my eyes, he had no idea. “I dunno I guess the Italian in me thrives.” I could hear him breathing abit weird so I knew he was walking, “about the job, I’ll have to ask my boss, I don’t know the schedules and stuff, I’ll put you forward and give your number though, I’m just going in for my shift now, I think we have been struggling for staff, the younger ones keep getting bored and fucking off, it’s a total waste of time.” We talked for abit more until he had to go, I told him about his Mom inviting me for dinner but said I was grounded, he seemed surprised about that, I said I was too. I wasn’t going to ask to go over, because I secretly didn’t want the options, I didn’t want being grounded to have any bargaining, I would just cope better that way. I went and updated my parents, telling them Mikey was looking out for a job for me now, they seemed pleased. “That way you can stop stealing the loose change now.” my Dad said smugly and I blushed a bit, I didn’t think they ever noticed, but I guess when your son disappears for a few years, you probably accumulate a lot of loose change I would have otherwise taken. I apologised, he shrugged, “It’s fine, you need money to do stuff, Paco.” 

It was the next day around lunchtime when my mom told me to get the mail, I didn’t think much of it given it was one of my jobs around the house whilst she was washing the dishes, I did it when I went out for a smoke just to help out, she had a sore knee and since it was damp outside I knew it would just give her trouble. I put my cigarette between my lips as I filtered the letters through my hands, checking who they were for, I stopped when I got to my name. Well, Franco Iero. He didn’t like calling me Frank given that it was my fathers name, and didn’t call me Frankie since everyone else did too, he was the only one to call me Franco. I glanced over at my house, knowing my parents would kill me dead if they found out I had written to him, and that he had written back, but I was grounded so I didn’t have anywhere else to go but indoors. My heart was beating too fast in my chest and my hands were getting clammy, it made me not even want my cigarette, so I stubbed it out on the mailbox and tossed it aside, putting the letter in the back of my jeans under my shirt and walking back indoors, putting the pile on the kitchen table and clearing my throat, why was it so warm in here? “I’m going to practice upstairs.” I said to Ma, she nodded and thanked me as I rushed upstairs, almost tripping a few times, she shouted for me to be careful. I pushed my door closed and rested my back against it before sitting on the floor, I needed to be able to hear if anyone was coming.

My hands were shaking as I tried to open the letter, I cursed a few times about it before I managed it and flicked open the folded paper, I let out a shaky breath before my eyes started scanning worriedly. He was mad, I didn’t blame him, he thought the world of my dad, he called me an asshole, and I knew I deserved it, so I nodded slightly in agreement when I saw the word, but all in all the letter didn’t appear angry, I guess he had taken time to calm down and actually compose his thoughts, also taking into account it was probably going to get read by someone other than me helped him mask a lot of the stuff he had written. He had said that I didn’t need to ask him what I should do, because I already knew. I had been with him enough to know what he would do if he was there, and it was true, I supposed I just wasn’t used to having to take matters into my own hands. He didn’t like that I was getting other people to do it, but he understood my points, which was relieving, he said that rule didn’t matter much anymore, but had stated a new one. That the only place he had been, no one else could go. I had paused reading at that to think, I didn’t think he meant an actual place, given what we were discussing in that paragraph, I knew he meant inside me, and it made me feel a bit nauseous. Gerard hadn’t ever tried anything like that, but there might come a time when he does, it was going to be awkward as hell, not that I thought I would’ve let him anyway, but now I had specific orders not too. It was like Jeremy could read my mind even through writing, and even though I had avoided the topic of someone else, or Gerard, he still knew. How did he know? It made me glance around nervously, even though I was in a new bedroom, he had still tainted the house, it had made me remember that he had actually slept in here sometimes if my parents were out late, well. He had had too, my parents had said he can use the spare room, even if he didn’t spend much time in it, it was still partly his in a sense. 

His letter was pretty vague, and it had made me sad to know we couldn’t say what we actually wanted too. He just told me to be good to my parents, they didn’t do anything wrong, they didn’t deserve my shitty attitude, and he was right. He was always right. He told me to focus on my music, because he knew that was my one true passion, and that he was sorry he had stopped me doing it when we had travelled together, I didn’t hold that against him really, a guitar was a lot to cart around on a road trip. He said he hoped I was doing well settling back into our hometown, even though he said that no one would ever understand me, they hadn’t before, but especially not now. He said playing the victim was a waste of time, and I stared at that sentence for abit, I didn’t think I had been playing the victim, giving that I hated everyone tip-toeing around me, but maybe sometimes I had, what good did it do? He said it had been my idea to travel, I had remembered saying I had never really been outside of Jersey and that I wanted too, when he had brought up the trip, I could’ve said no, I could’ve said maybe after I finish school, but I had agreed, what had made me agree? I liked school, I had always liked school, I loved learning, and now I was more confused at why I had ditched it all. We could’ve just waited, if we had gone when I was legal, no one would have cared or classed me as missing. I was so fucking dumb, I should’ve told him that at the time. Of course I wasn’t a victim, I was just a fucking dumbass who got excited like a kid on fucking christmas at the thought of getting Jeremy all to myself as soon as I could. I was fucking obsessed. 

It made me feel embarrassed for some reason. Like everyone else could see through me, that they all knew I was putting on this charade except for me. I had roughly skimmed the last parts of the letters, Jeremy telling me to write back, he explained a little of the place he was being held, but I didn’t care in that moment. I shoved the letter under my pillow and rushed to the bathroom, locking myself in and turning on the taps as I emptied the contents of my stomach. I seemed to be doing that alot lately, I didn’t even know why. I just felt so gross, it was like my insides that were usually boiling, were squirming around. I hadn’t been like this since me and Jeremy had started fucking in the beginning, and sometimes when we were away and I was in so much pain from him that I just couldn’t help but throw up. I’m not saying it was the best thing to do, because I knew it wasn’t. But I couldn’t be bothered looking around the bathroom for my usual go too, I was too panicked. I shoved my hand in my pocket to find my lighter and held the flame under my wrist. I hated how addicting the pain was, but I didn’t really wanna blame myself for it, because I didn’t start this. He started it, he started causing the pain first, he made me addicted to it, and it made me hate him a little more than I already did. And I hated that I hated him, my love for him hated that I hated him. I had never asked for any of it, he said he loved me, that's why he did it, he loved me too much, but I had never asked for his love. The confusion was too much, yes, I had willingly agreed and gotten in the car with him, but my parents said that wasn’t my fault. The police had said that too, so why did I believe Jeremy over them? They were in more authority than him, I knew that logically. I was a smart kid, everyone had always said that, so why couldn’t I work any of this out?

The whole ordeal had ruined my day before it had basically begun, not that I could do much with my days being grounded, and it was gross weather outside. I sulked off back to my bedroom for a while to try and occupy myself, which I succeeded in, but not for long. I jacked off once, then twice, three times, and I thought I might aswell push to four. I wasn’t even really enjoying it, I thought of Gerard, but then I thought of his roommate and it got me too annoyed again. It would be easier if Gerard were around, then we could just fuck all day and I wouldn’t have to think. After pushing for five, I went for a shower, I loved showers, I liked the white noise you got when you held your head underneath and the water surrounded everything, showers were safe. I had it on quite hot, I preferred that even though it hurt abit, and spent quite a long time in there. I liked doing that in motels until the hot water ran out, then Jeremy would get annoyed at me because he couldn’t shower. I never cared though, I liked them too much. I snapped out of it after I heard a knock on the door and shut off the water, it was Ma, she said I had been in there ages and to get out because I had Mikey on the phone downstairs. I sighed and got out, drying myself off and quickly getting dressed, I would’ve just walked down in a towel, but my parents hadn’t seen my body since I had been gone, I didn’t think they would like it. I sat on the bottom step and grabbed the phone, greeting Mikey and asking what was up, he said they wanted me for an interview and I grinned slowly, towel drying my wet hair with my free hand, “No way, man, you’re slick as shit, Mikeyway, when is it?” I asked, he said they asked if I was free in 2 hours, I glanced at the clock and agreed.

My parents were probably more excited about it than me, because after I told them they were both immediately up in my room looking through my clothes, Ma pulled out my school uniform I still had and started tearing up, I rolled my eyes, “c’mon Ma stop upsetting yourself, I’m also not gonna walk into fuckin’ Barnes and Noble with a shirt and tie, it’s pretty casual in there, don’t make me look as lame as I did when I had to wear it.” I groaned out as she hugged the uniform like I was still fucking missing. I couldn’t blame her though, I had gotten weird about hugs. I still couldn’t believe I had even had to wear that, it seemed like some sort of child abuse now I stared over at it, but then again everyone at Queen of Peace had to wear it, even Amanda had, even though she customised it to shit and always got detention. “Hey, do you guys know what happened to Manda?” I decided to ask, we hadn’t talked about her yet, they glanced between each other before back at me, “We don’t know really, she was pretty shaken up over you, honey, obviously she got questioned by us and the investigators, but then a few months in her parents just, carted her off, we asked them to keep in contact, ya know, incase they found anything out, but we never heard from them again, no one has.” Ma concluded and I frowned, “Gerard said he found her, like to check if I was there. It just seems weird, right?” I asked and they both nodded, they knew her parents, her dad had wanted to run for Mayor or some shit, they were pretty well known around here, they had always lived in the area, it didn’t make sense.

“I miss her, she always made me laugh.” I mumbled more to myself than them, because I did miss her, we had never actually broken up properly, It was a bit of an asshole move again on my part, not telling her, but I didn’t want anyone finding out. I eventually got an outfit together with my Dad’s help more than my Mom’s, he told me to go with jeans without any holes in, I hated that. He drove me down to the mall, said he would meet me at the fountain when we were both done because he had to grab some shit, I nodded and he patted my shoulder and wished me luck. As soon as I stepped in it was pretty fucking dead, but Mikey rushed over all the same. “Are you the greeter or will that be my job?” I grinned over to him and he scoffed, “Like you would do any better? Hi, welcome to Barnes and Noble, I’m Frank, can I interest you in a suckerpunch?” I snorted and shoved him away, “watch yourself.” I warned jokingly. He walked me through the back to the managers office and I greeted him with a firm handshake, my dad had taught me about handshakes when I was younger. “Hey Frank, I’m Chris, heck of a shake you got there.” He grinned at me and I chuckled with a nod, he waved Mikey off and I stepped in his office, it was abit small inside and made me feel weird, but I sat down where he said and ruffled my hair as he began going on about how he knew I didn’t have many qualifications and that he wasn’t going to hold it against me as he knew what had happened, I sighed in slight relief, glad I didn’t need to fucking recap, “Thank you for that, yeah err, I know I don’t have it in writing but I was vice president of my Amnesty, I founded the music club, I was all set to get a scholarship, I was going to choose Rutgers.” he nodded and started taking notes, asking what courses I was going to pick, I hummed and swivelled a little in my chair, “I was really into English, I’m in a band at the moment, had been before I left as well, I do all the lyrics, I write a lot of poems, I’m a big bookworm.” I smiled at him and he smiled back, “But I also was going to take algebra, psychology and art history, I found those the most interesting when it came to Rutgers.”

He asked me for a few of my favourite books, which was hard, I said I had read so many great ones, but my top favourite was The Catcher In The Rye, he agreed with me. It was more of a chat than an interview really, Chris seemed like a great guy, he was clearly passionate about what he sold. He asked me my long term goals, and I said I was still a bit confused about what to do, but music was one of my main passions, aside from the writing, he said I was making them coexist well right now, and I thanked him, but I didn’t believe it. He said that Mikey had put in a good word for me, saying I was hard-working and passionate with anything I did, and it made me blush a bit, I shrugged my shoulders about it before nodding, “Yeah I guess I am, I mean, I love learning new skills.” I eventually agreed. He asked what days I would like to work, I said I was free all the time apart from weekend evenings for the music side, he laughed and nodded, “Well we’re not open too late anyway.” He walked me around the store, showed me the break room with designated lockers. I saw the stockroom, which looked a bit too messy for my liking. If I got the job I would definitely organise that for my own sanity. We got to the store floor and I waved at Mikey behind the counter as Chris showed me the different aisles, pointing over to the music section, “I might get you to work this, Mikey sucks at it.” He grinned and I glanced over to Mikey with a smirk. As we circled back to the front counter with Mikey, Chris said he was impressed with me and that I could start work the next day, I raised my eyebrows and grinned over at Mikey before shaking Chris’ hand again and thanking him, he asked if I had a cell number and I said I didn’t right now but I was planning to get one and would give the details to Mikey, he nodded and said he would sort out the shifts and let me know my schedule.

When Chris went back through, Mikey gave me a high five and congratulated me, “It’s quite an easy gig, but I think you’ll like it here.” I nodded in agreement and thanked him for getting me the job and that I would see him tomorrow. I found my dad at the fountain, he grinned over to me and asked how it went, “I can start tomorrow! He seemed real cool too, said I can work in the music section.” I grinned and my dad wrapped me in a tight hug, I tensed a bit at first before slinging my arms around him, I hadn’t hugged him in a while, “I’m so proud of you.” He said softly in my ear and I swallowed down a lump in my throat as we pulled away and he handed me a box, I frowned and turned it over, it was a cell phone. I grinned up at him and opened it up, I didn’t know anything about phones but it looked cool. “I know you don’t really like them, but you kind of need one in this day and age, kiddo, especially someone as young as you.” I smiled and thanked him with another hug.


End file.
